you could just tell from the beginning that it was going to be a little more difficult and challenging for him!
And it has been... not one thing, just little things that most of the time no one else knew about was setting him off
It even was at the point he could not fall asleep for a nap as usual, and it really made him "spin around" like a tornado
bumping into anything and everything in his path
and yeah, that kind of caused some conflicts with his sisters
as you can imagine
so it was just one of those days, a day that hasn't been like the other in a few weeks really
it was to be expected
it was really no surprise at all to me
so I tried really hard to dig deep deep down to pull out my extra patience to help him "calm" down when necessary,
to help "him fall asleep"
when clearly he was struggling
and despite all the tantrums and behaviors, and yes the hitting
I usually was able to at least turn the mood around fairly quickly
and of course our sweetest Gretchen stepped in every time, right on que,
working her part of this
whether it be sitting on him, licking him, and simply just snuggling him
it's almost like he is expecting it now
he seems to get into a position, expecting Gretchen to come in and SAVE him almost
like he knows he's out of control and he can't stop,
but here comes Gretchen to help save the day for him!
and of course me talking as if I"m Gretchen,
saying silly things, and I mean really silly things
it's really like an improv play of dogs
Sadie and Oliver get in on it (me pretending to speak for them, having a conversation)
honestly, I totally see when I "turn into a dog" and pretend to be "one of our dogs voice" saying silly things that we all think dogs are thinking, like hmmm that cat poop I ate today was so yummy
that would be an Oliver conversation
but it works!
I can't explain why, I"m not sure.... it reminds me of the man who recently released a book called "Life Animated"
my dearest friend Brianne gave it to me, and the dad uses all the disney characters to connect with his son who has Autism and loves the disney characters.
It's one way I literally can quickly jump into HIS world, and help him out, stop the negative thoughts, stop the train wreck in it's tracks, retreat with him into what he knows and loves so much DOGS!
If I speak dog, pretend I'm a dog, pretend I am Gretchen's voice, talking to Ty, having a conversation, he loves it and it totally redirects his state of mind, and he gets lost in the silliness of what we are doing, therefore behaviors slowly diminish and go away for that moment!
And trust me, after I've been hit many times today, threatened to hit, it's sometimes hard to dig deep into myself to pull out the patient caring loving mother who knows her son is struggling greatly right now, he has no other way to express how hard the moments of the day are, he has no ability to "stop" it from happening, to regulate enough to know to leave a situation alone, or to be flexible, or literally to just be comfortable enough with his self in that moment to just breathe.
He does when he can, as he has done so much in the past few weeks
but when he can't, he simply can't
and my calm patient self knows that
and wants to do everything I can to help him
and then there is the other part of me that gets frustrated
irritated,impatient,
angry
because it really isn't easy living in this "constant state of constant change" of never knowing how he'll respond to any given moment, situation, anything and everything every minute of every day
and it's just simply HARD some days!
Especially when it's just constant, relenting, and literally not able to take my eyes off of him for he will do something that is mean, unkind, inappropriate,
dangerous, very bad choice, or simply tantruming and controlling
EVERYONE!
And days used to be this way ALL THE TIME, life was pretty hard, okay, not pretty hard- VERY VERY HARD
the past few years really, ever since we "tried" school again when he was 7 and in first grade!
It's been a tough road, a very long emotional road,
a road that at times felt hopeless
and although today was a tougher day than we've had recent weeks
we have had so many "firsts" lately
going out to dinner for Brian's birthday for one
watching a family movie last night
and even today, as tough of a day as it's been
we roasted hot dogs over the "fire pit" in our back yard together
(Brian got some new gadgets for his birthday)
we ate home made french fries that Brian made using his new birthday gift, a french fry cutter
we laughed at dinner, we got silly at dinner
we had several nice moments
and although the day was pretty hard, and pretty tiring
it is so nice to experience good moments even if they are sprinkled throughout the day that has been a little more difficult than recent days
Ty responded every time when he did have a behavior to Gretchen's presence
he responded every time to me "helping" him by using Gretchen to help calm him down
and responded every time to me "becoming" Gretchen's voice and helping him get out of the negative state of mind and turned the moment around to a more positive state of mind!
And as tough as days like this can be, I see the light, I see potential, I see HIM and I know there will be days where he struggles, and that's when he needs US most to help him
But those types of moments are getting further and further apart, and simply filling up many moments with goodness, happy times, smiles, laughter, joy, and most importantly unconditional love which is always present, but he's not always willing to "accept' our love, and simply pushes it far away
love and affection are very deep emotions and some days is just too difficult and intense and drive the moment deeper into darkness
We always love him, and it's hard when he simply "doesn't want us to love him or simply pushes the love away"it literally drives him further into a negative state of mind
literally causing more serious behaviors
this is just what can happen on "those kind of days
But when he can simply accept our love, accept our unconditional love for him,
and not let it drive him further into a hole, but allow it to help him out of the hole
well, this may seem selfish, but it's very satisfying as a parent to see how our love, our absolute unconditional love for him in a good moment helps him and makes him feel "good"
He even gets a little twinkle in his eye, and it tells us simply, he's okay in this moment!
We did help him!
I might have gone off on a tangent here
It's late, I"m tired, kids are in bed
and my thoughts just keep circling around and around in my head
I'm thinking it has something to do with the kind of day it has been
and I tend to replay "moments' over and over and over in my own head, recognizing when I didn't do my best, or what I did wasn't as helpful as I had intended it to be, or I simply got angry in the moment and it got the best of me, rather than me digging deeper and stuffing that anger deep to better allow my compassion for his struggles to better help him
I guess it was just a harder day, and it was harder to stay patient, and it was harder to constantly deal and help him through the many tough moments he had today!
It was just simply a harder day.
But my self reflection always knows that tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow will and can bring many good moments, even if there are some more difficult moments
Tomorrow will be tomorrow and for now, this moment, I am tired and off to sleep!
My boy struggled more today, it was tough for him, many things set him off, and I hate seeing him struggle and have to work so hard at just simply existing!
But just like all the other days, we have gotten through this day!
And I hope tomorrow will bring more good moments than difficult one's, more smiles than tears, more hugs than hitting, more laughter than mean words!
And with that- good night!
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