two hours to myself.....

Yep, I got two whole hours to myself this friday morning.

No kids,

no chores,

oh but one thing: I was at the dentist!

Funny how something like that can seem so wonderful-

heck I almost fell asleep in the chair!

And I love when they ask " how are things? Have fun plans for the weekend?

I feel bad for lying- so I don't

so I"m never quite sure how to answer these vague questions of life.

It's polite chat, it's short talk... you know we all do it

but I've realized it's harder and harder for me- I just have no answer.

And then if you do just say something little, or vague back, it always comes back to

oh, what grade are your kids in?

Which okay, again polite chat- I have Sarah, Megan and I again never know how to answer for Ty.

Heck, people will occasionally ask him (neighbors, anyone walking a dog in the neighborhood) what grade he's in and he looks stunned, not sure how to answer to.

I guess as a society we define kids by their grade and even if you give an age, they always come back and say, oh is he in 3rd grade?

Again, circled back to school.

And don't get me wrong- polite chat is nice, quick hellos how are ya's, it's how our society works- we see people at the store, hi how are you?

You see people at school drop offs, at the park, anywhere around town.

But I guess this is where my world has almost squashed my social skills- trained my social energy, and always gives me pause to decide how to proceed with the conversation.

What grade is Ty in..... well, he did a partial year of Kindergarten when he was 5, but did finish out the year (with lots and lots of extended breaks and no school on Wednesday - so a 4 day school week.

Then he started the second year of kindergarten at age 6 and it lasted 2 1/2 months before it was necessary to pull him out and I began homeschooling through our school district (independent study).

That was still pretty much not successful- the home part was fine-

it was the once a week going to meet with the teacher for just one hour that was the struggle and part that caused major problems.

Yep, just one hour a week...... and again it's a second year of kindergarten

but the going there, well pretty much hell.

Then forced by hand to "once again show everyone this system isn't working for him- and we were advised legally to "let him fail to show them "...

which was the hardest thing in the entire world.... literally putting him through something he physically and emotionally can't handle and we have no choice

besides, what do we know- we are only HIS PARENTS!

It seems so simple, but let me tell you the process and hell parents go through to help their kids and are consistently pushed to the side and then people who have never even met your child are giving advise and deciding what's best

Yep, that's the broken special education system

and it sucks!

Our son was actually in a really good place- he had been out of formal education for 9 months,

it was summer time,

we were able to maintain a pretty descent "bubble" although taking little one to preschool

when it was time for him to have to start school........ he was now entering the first grade

It was exactly this time 2 years ago in fact.....

and nothing literally killed us emotionally more then having to put him back into school for an entire full day school day, 5 days a week- to show "them" this is not the proper placement for him

I still cringe just thinking about it- he had been doing so well- for him,

behaviors had again improved,

he was more stable,

he wasn't living in fight or flight-

he was more engaging

very much like where things have been for us for the last 2 weeks

and it was literally as quick as 1 week, then 2 weeks:

it all unfolded, and it unfolded badly

he was threatening us like he had never done before, his aggression was so severe and of such serious nature

all I can say is it was already a parents worst nightmare, and let me remind you, he's 7 and in first grade

and it didn't matter what we said, because remember in the beginning, he tries so hard to hold it together- to just physically exist in that school space- that he's just a physical body

was he learning- no

was he engaging- no

were the problems that were completely dismissed- yep!

anyway- it got bad very quick and we had to let it "keep happening"

He wasn't eating (he lost 4 lbs in just 2 1/2 mo), he wasn't sleeping (and I mean literally), he wasn't playing, he wasn't a little boy

He didn't smile- his spirit was completely lost

So fast forward finally one of the last "episodes" that occurred- and by this time we had our behaviorists on board documenting all things!

it was first week of March- he had lasted 3 months this time

but the last episode was so bad, we either had to take him out or

he'll have to be hospitalized

that's how bad things were

bad doesn't even describe the hell he was going through and the hell our family was going through

Fast forward we are now two years from that point of "throwing" him back into the school environment (and yes he had every support the school district offers- just cause they have services, if they are not the right services, what good does it do?

So, two years ago, we descended into a hell that we never knew even existed

and it's taken a lot

a lot of love, patience, tears, the right professional people helping support him and our family

and again, "closing his world down to bare essentials"

And I can tell you after that experience, we see his spirit, we see him smile, he's stable medically, he's grown, he's learning, he's engaging, he's so smart, he's funny, he's sleeping (well usually, just inconvenient times during the day :), he's full of life and spirited emotions

He's our son- and the good part is "we have him back"

The boy we know is in there, but just struggles so much

but he lives in our house, we take care of him, we love him, we are a family unit, and as tough as some of our days and weeks are and can be

He is our son and part of our family.

So, I don't really care what grade he's in, I don't care how people judge our circumstances, I don't care if others don't understand

So, not that I am grumpy to have social chit chat, polite chat-

it's just hard because it's so hard to even just say "he is homeschool-ed" because that alone gets people asking more questions, that lead to more uncomfortable chit chat that continues and then the "wow you and your husband are so amazing,"

and then the added "I don't think I could do that"

Trust me, you become the parent your child needs you to be

so no, we aren't amazing

we are parents-

and just trying the best we can!

See this is what happens when I do get two hours to myself.

I start thinking, and realizing this is an entire world outside of "our world" and I'm not sure how to fit in myself these days....

It's easier to stay home and watch my son do something new, try a new recipe, read a loud some sports statistics that gets him excited, play with his sister,

because these are all amazing things that we went so long without seeing....

I almost feel like it's like when you have a newborn -

where you can just watch them and you are amazed at all the cute little things they do and noises they make..

when I think back to 2 years ago and what became of that time- we almost completely lost our son-

That was hard.....

So, my bubble world is zipped back up and he is right now happily playing indoor basketball.... laughing!