Just don't have the energy

today, has been a long day so far.. and it's not even close to bedtime!

As good moments have happened

certainly some difficult one's as well!

And after being hit in the face last night - and yes of course he said he didn't mean to hit me in the face, but when someone throws something, it might end up being worse than what the person who was throwing the object had intended..... yes that happens... maybe someday that will register with him

But a stack full of paper cups at bedtime (after a good day too) just got to me!

I couldn't help but go to bed in tears, I was overwhelmed, I was tired, I was frustrated that his frustration about anything ends in an aggressive lash out, throwing objects

and although we've had good moments today, there was the "aggressive verbal lashing out" and quite honestly, it's tiring!

I just want one day, ONE DAY of no conflict, of no aggressive behaviors, of no verbal insults, unkind (okay mean, but we use the word unkind to show him kind words and unkind words.... )... but damn they are mean sometimes- why? Because he is constantly in this dysregulated state more than a regulated state

I feel like all my efforts, all our efforts, all the things we do just can't keep up with the pace of his growth, the pace of his anger, the pace at which his world spins

and where does that leave us?

Like I said, just one day of "nothing" and I quite honestly don't even know if that's possible!

and that is frustrating to me

as great as moments are- just one long 24 hour period of great moments is desperately needed right now... a long long moment to breathe, to relax-

to be present as a family!

and I'm not sure that is possible at this point.

Just feeling a bit sad today,

some days the constant aggressive, negative, anger fury gets to me... it's stressful constantly having to "tame""protect"distract""teach""change" the mood

and as many times today as I was able to turn him around- I guess I just don't have the energy and the day isn't over!

I will try to dig deeper for patience that I know must be in there, energy that must be stored way deep down for days like this

and let's hope he is able to better help himself the rest of the day as well!