we get back home, he fell asleep in the car for about 2 minutes
walked into the house, had a few "unkind" words for Sarah (she was talking and between that overload and the overload of transitioning home after being "out of the house"
I do try and help him by having everyone quietly enter the house until settled (and I know it's hard, and therefore cross words then start flying
it just is the way it is- if it were just me and him arriving home,
he would still struggle a bit, and we find just let him be, don't talk to him, don't request anything of him- let him settle and transition and he will let us know when he is ready (forcing it only causes him great stress and then behaviors)
anyway, so coming home today, we come home, a few unkind words, and he goes and lays down on the dog bed, requesting something from me
I ignore at this point for just a few minutes because of the unkind words and pretty much I know anything I say to him will overwhelm him, period
then Gretchen comes up to him, licks him, lies with him, tickles him
he asks if he can go on my TV and gives very specific instructions for no one to go into my room if he falls asleep
which of course I am totally okay with but I reassure him anyway
he lays on my bed, kind of curled up in a ball, I drape myself over him to snuggle while standing up , I can feel his rapid breathing rate
I see him changing channels
and slowly in a matter of a minute, I can feel his breathing slow down, I'm squeezing him, pressing my weight across his curled up body- knowing he likes the weight on him, and it's calming him down, helping him through this transition,
his breathing becomes more relaxed by the second, I slowly move one arm off of him, slowly move my other arm off of him
just like when he was a baby and would fall asleep- any sudden "change" would wake him, so it's the slow release of pressure and contact so that it's not all at once
he may be almost 10, but as he is on his second nap of the day, which is pretty typical,
it tells you where his "system" is developmentally, under developed, immature, like a baby who cannot regulate itself enough yet to manage all the day to day life events, that are automatic at some point for kids, but as babies, their systems are still developing,
and for Ty, definitely under developed, not mature enough to do these things on his own (regulating his being, things that are automatic, hunger, thirst, hot, cold, loud, etc
his brain doesn't properly process all the input and therefore cannot send the right signal to the proper place to then have the appropriate output/outcome- therefore almost all the time he has an inappropriate response to external stimuli-
and his language deficit doesn't help- he constantly confuses the words, hot and cold saying the opposite (and trust me we live in 100degree weather, I highly doubt he is cold, but I have heard it repeatedly the last several days)
anyway- for him to just lie down, allow me to lie with him putting weight on him, sensing how he is calming down and relaxing his breathing to the point that his body finally slips into slumber.
This is how I know we are doing the right thing for him-
that is what he needed at that moment and he was in a calm enough state, to accept the "presence of me" to help him
this is all we ever want to do - help him- but when he's so not willing most of the time able to accept it
we don't have many choices.
The more dysregulated he is, the less likely he is to accept help from us when he needs it most.
IF he's more regulated, even just a little bit, he is more willing to accept our support to help him further regulate..
and this allows him to exist... and that's why it's so important and why we do what we do for him.
I honestly feel like we have moved him into an entire new "plane" of existent and regulation- one in which he isn't escalating to these very serious degrees of aggression, one in which he is so out of control of his own body he literally walks around as body, creating chaos and havoc because he is not able to make sense of anything- and he's trying- but it's as if it is just slipping further and further away from him- so he spins around faster and faster trying to catch up to it, and all it is doing it speeding up and going further away from him.
We literally feel like he is a tornado twisting through our house at times, knocking into people, things, clearly so out of touch of his own body that he is no longer in control of it- and yet has no idea why or how to change the path
He is amazing, today he is amazing, the moment we had a few minutes ago right before he fell asleep, is amazing.
and it makes me realize how important what Brian and I do for him is, and although he may be 10 in just 5 short days,
he right now is incapable of many things, or doesn't have the energy for many things that he does need us in order to help him make sense of all of this happening around him.
and that's okay!
We will be here always for him- always!
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