Get me off this crazy roller coaster.........

So it is officially October First. It was a day. A day that was up. A day that was down. A day that was way way down. Then it was a day that was up again. Can't keep up? Neither can I! It was going well- then the behaviorist showed up and I guess I didn't understand the game he wanted to play. Or really prank. "Let's pretend we are not home and see what she does?"- well I said, I will pretend for one minute, then I need to open the door for her. Not sure where the communication got lost (He pretty much never quite hears what we actually say). So I open the door, or actually just attempt to and boom- here we go. Hitting, name calling, blah blah blah.... I go outside- carrying my purse (my purse has to be on me at all times these days. With all that running away and locking us out of the house, taking money from my wallet to buy things at the store when he did run away.... yeah I keep it with me. Keys, wallet, cell phone, home phone.) So I go outside, he has sticks and is angry as hell (again, over what exactly??) But that's just it- we are never fully sure what sets him off- it can be so many things. But he ultimately calmed down. Even apologized to me. Which rarely happens. He's most times honestly in like an altered state. So we went on about our day. He didn't want much to do with the behaviorist. He wanted to build a fort out of all the wood I have. So, okay- let's start. I helped him for quite a bit. We got one wall up, then a second wall. Looking good- then the discussion on the door came up. I guess he was very anxious to use the locks I got from the store for 0.50 cents... a barrel bolt, another kind of latch lock.. he loves locks. I knew they would go over well. And all attention turned to the door- and how he can make a door and lock it. Hmmm- but really he didn't want suggestions or ideas. He didn't know what to do- and he was asking us for ideas. But when we answered- ugh- here we go again. So I walk away. That's what I try to do for the most part when he starts in with either verbal or physical behaviors. And then something happened. He didn't aggress (that'a a behavioral term for going after me, he simply went about his business trying to figure out how to build this door. Wow- pretty awesome moment. This building of the fort went on for about 7 hours today. Non stop- he was so engaged in this activity. Hammering, drilling, planning, trying, trying and trying again when the locks didn't work the way he wanted. Pretty cool in my book on so many levels. And then down again. Really- now what? I was about 100 feet away working on my new cool kitchen island made from an Ikea table by adding my repurposed fence boards- it's looking good (will post when I'm done) so, back to my project, he's working on his project. Pretty good thing going on here- and then all I hear is L (behaviorist) threw my smoothie and it hit the car!- WHAT..... oh come on ... not exactly- He doesn't ever realize that I am always listening, even when I look like I"m not. I need to always be present in case something erupts between him and the behaviorist. So I knew exactly what happened. He asked L to move the smoothie- even though he was right next to it- she asked him to just move it since it's right there, and with all his hammering- it fell over and spilled. Okay, no big deal, right? Wrong- he got upset, yelled at L, it's her fault and then threw the smoothie and it splattered on the car while L just simply walked away. So, not quite the story little man. But then he again got engrossed with his project. Keeping up yet?? Okay, fast forward. L is gone. Sarah comes home from school. Megan comes home from school. Oh, one big important fact........ he hasn't taken one nap at all today. Not one. So, okay- no nap, how will this day end? Hmmm- fast forward, Brian comes home. Things appear to be going just fine. Then Boom..... now what? Something about football, and he's mad at daddy because of football, and blah blah blah.... ugh- and he starts up again. In fact, he starts climbing and climbing the anger mountain. At first he retreated. Hid in the garage- we thought- good, he's calming himself down. He was in there for about 10 minutes (or so it seemed) and then there he was- at the front door with a giant stick threatening to hit us. Brian intercepts him, takes the stick from him (he's a little braver at the approach then I am) and he was needing restraint. He was crying, he was yelling, he was angry, he was sad, he was crying harder, he was fighting with every ounce of his body. I hate this. I hate this so much. And there is nothing else we can do when he's like this. He'll hurt himself or someone else. But I hate this part of whatever it is- Autism, PTSD, Mood Disorder- what ever it is- I hate this part of it- the part where he gets so out of control that we have to restrain him with every ounce of our being because damn he gets super strength when he's like this. So much, that I had to step in and help Brian. He's spitting, he's pinching, he's kicking. He's twisting, he's sweating, he's stinky, he's slippery to hold on to because he's so sweaty. But he's not backing down, he's not calming down... this is a big one. I even got Ollie- and he refused him and pushed him away. Then he'd smile, and then he'd cry. Oh boy- he has no idea what he is experiencing. So, this went on for about 45 minutes. Yep, 45 minutes into our evening- girls were just playing else where (they usually know to stay away, and if not, we tell them very quickly to go in the other room). So 45 minutes, he kind of accepts Oliver, we back off a bit to see what he will do. He tries to start up again because now he's mad we held him down as he calls it- and then started to cry. Cry not like a nine year old cry. Cry like a 1 or 2 year old cry. Where the world is collapsing around him and he can't stop it. I hate this part too. Believe it or not, this is a scientific graph-able (is that a word?) behavior- and there are stages to this kind of meltdown, rage episodes. Who knew? But I guess we really always have, because we know that unless he has made it full circle to the crying and weaping part of the cycle- it will start up again. But if he continues through the crying and weaping phase... then odds are he's over it- the behavior will be done. And it was. But not without us feeling like crap. Us feeling exhausted. Us feeling sad. So many different emotions- and with a day like today - a big roller coaster ride up and down up and down. It's hard sometimes (okay most of the time) to keep ourselves in check. But one thing is for sure, these days do make me sad. Sad that my little guy struggled so much. He couldn't get himself together to prevent this kind of major meltdown. He had moments today- lovely moments. Enjoying his fort. Sharing his fort with Sarah- pretty awesome moment for me! But then in the next moment- boom. He's in utter despair. His world is intolerable to him. His body is being assaulted by things that no one else can understand or experience. It's like he tries to crawl out of his skin at times. And so, I"m exhausted physically and emotionally. Brian is tired, physically and emotionally. These are hard days for us. We are simply helpless. And now it's time to put the girls to bed. Get some sleep. And a new day will start all over again for us. My only hope is it's a little kid roller coaster ride. No more big roller coasters with several loop D loops, corkscrews, and faster then lightening. It's starting to make me feel a little whoozy!