Ugh. Power struggles. I have no intention of engaging in power struggles. But my boy has other ideas. It started with my request for him to take his meds (which are an every other night regimen). Also, he has been more resistant the last few months when it is a night to take them. Then it grows to more time passing that he hasn’t taken them, the more agitation we see with him. These meds are actually just supplements he takes. Vitamin B12, Folate, L Carntine, GABA, Vit C, and melatonin. We have found this regimen with micro dose cannabis THC to be optimal in supporting his body, his mood, expand his window of tolerance and flexibility and helps reduce his anxiety and has shown to help him be present and more communicative. It is what has helped get his development and progress to where we see him now. Which is huge leaps from a few years ago.
But when his level of control starts to rise and even exceed “his normal “ we can tell he is struggling. And since this has been an issue for a few months now, I try to be patient and not demand control when that will only escalate anything with him, and not in a good way. He isn’t able to meet these demands right now. Which tells me it is isn’t about the cookies , as he is expressing.....it is deeper than cookies. My boy wants the negative engagement. I don’t. So I won’t. It tells me his anxiety is higher than he is able to handle at this moment. So I step back. What started it you may be wondering? Med control is just the symptom I see. The cookies are just a symptom . What lies beneath these issues? His anxiety and feelings of lack of control over his being. His world, his body, his environment. The more I push and demand from him, the more resistance I will be met with. So I need to let go of any requests I make. I will always be met with resistance, until we address the underlying increased anxiety, which leads him to needing more control over pretty much everything.
It is hard. It is inconvenient. I know the meds will help his anxiety. But I can’t force it, otherwise he will jump back 5 more steps. Been there, done that, paid high price for not respecting his struggles. So, I step back. I am quiet. I do not engage. He storms off out of frustration. But this is good.
So, this is where things went after his refusal to take meds. Cookies!!
He is on a sugar cookie kick with frosting ever since the girls and I have been baking them for Christmas. As long as he asks nicely, I’m happy to make more. Food is not where I ever engage in power struggles with him. Food is a huge trigger. Food is a huge thing he needs control over. Food has historically hurt him due to his bowel issues and I learned very early on we can make his food issues worse by engaging in power struggles with him. Or we can just let him be the leader in his eating. Period. This approach is the best, especially because his sensory experiences are only something he knows. He will eat it, if he wants to. If he won’t eat it, pressuring him never works and makes control issues he already has to maintain control over his world to help ease his high anxiety worse. Our world is about picking our battles. For the most part, no battles are really worth the fall out that may follow. It is truly comfort and connection over control. Compassion over compliance.
Today is a day I am reminded that when he can, he does. When he can’t, I have to figure out why? And I may not fully know why, other than higher anxiety today. We are in a pandemic, just had Christmas celebration (which under the best circumstances is challenging). So I will be present. I will not engage negative energy. I will be extra patient. And this means that I am baking sugar cookie dough at 9pm . It is fine. He did come back out after blowing up just a bit and said, “I don’t think you are going to make more like you promised.” Ok, this gets back to some pretty deep trust issues he has with pretty much all adults, including us, Mom and dad. We believehis trouble trusting others comes from all the medical trauma he experienced since he was a baby and numerous hospitalizations and even further trauma experiences with ABA where he was restrained, including by us, parents he should feel safe with and this caused more fractures in our relationship.
So, making cookies, at 9pm when he expressed what the issue came down to, trust, and I can either simply make the dough (to be rolled out tomorrow) and everything just ends now or I could just say not tonight. But I could, so I did. Just like he “does “ when he can.
And after I make the dough, he has forgotten all about the earlier struggles. He has moved on. We are now all sitting, yes all 5 of us and 3 dogs sitting in the same room watching “Nailed it”. Laughing has helped regulate all of us. To bring us back to this moment. A moment we are sharing together. Laughing at the silly antics of bakers who don’t know how to bake.
So, all in all a win for the night. No he still hasn’t taken his meds. I will hopefully be more successful tomorrow. He will have his cookies. I do know he will, if he can. And if he can’t, I will have some more detective work to do. And as always, co regulating with him. Ensuring I am regulated to be the safe person he can trust. That is all I can do. I will definitely take 2 walks tomorrow. That helps me to regulate my self to be able to maintain my calm so I can share it. Hey, I will never say this autism life is easy. But what is easy? What I do know is it could certainly be worse and how I respond can make things worse. I am the adult, so it is up to me to be the calm when he is in a storm. It is us adults that need to meet him where he is at (and yes this changes regularly), but we then have a choice to support him or escalate him. These moments I choose to support him. I have to. We love him and it is our job to support him and help him be successful. No matter what that looks like. Like I said, it is not easy. But it sure is easier then dealing with an escalated child, which typically escalates us adults despite our greatest efforts. I call it getting sucked in. It is easy to get sucked into the drama, the chaos. It is harder to be the adult and stay calm and regulated and stay in our thinking brain to assess and make good decisions on the best way to help him. But 10 out of 10 times, this is exactly what he needs and what helps him. Period!!!
So sometimes I find myself making cookies at 9pm at night. Or making Asian Noodles for dinner for 5 days in a row. Or closing all the cupboards after he opened them all. Life is never boring in this autism world. It is just what needs to happen sometimes.
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