Difficult beginnings bring challenging moments

 This is a quote from Dr. Lori Desautels, author 

of “Connections over Compliance - Rewiring our Perceptions of Discipline.  A brain science approach to supporting our differently wired kids.  

“Children from difficult beginnings often cannot tolerate failure or being wrong. The sense of failure subconsciously often reminds them of deeper losses, and triggers embodied memories deep in their core.  

Behaviors communicate brain and body states!”

This speaks to me.  The struggles for my son with being wrong or perceived failure has always triggered him.  It is so important for us to understand the why behind all the behaviors and struggles.  The Why leads us to what lies beneath what “we see”.  Our son is “never wrong” and it triggers him immediately to blame others. It is really challenging at times, but this post from Dr. Desautels reminds me, why these are challenges for him. It is the trauma he experienced for so long, through his chronic pain and numerous hospitalizations.  Behaviors communicate brain and body states.  All we can do is be present with him when his brain and body state becomes dysregulated.  Co regulation, not correction.  Compassion, not control.  Connecting with him , not compliance.   When he is in these down stairs brain states, we just need to be present and connected to him.  This will lead him back to a more regulated and relationally safe place, where we can work together on these challenges.  It can never happen unless he feels safe with us.  His struggles are always windows into his traumatic experiences that are still present and easily triggered.  

Here is my Twitter response to her post.

Oh so true! It is so hard to see my son struggle with these issues, knowing it is reminding him of his trauma. You can see it in how he responds to “being wrong” or not living up to his expectations for himself.  His body state changes so quickly, all we can do, be present w/ him.  

But understanding this about him and the why behind these behaviors or triggered responses to something we may not understand has helped change our mindset to seeing him as struggling, needing our support in these moments.  That his trauma is controlling him and he is having lived experiences that easily take hold of him and don’t let go easily.  Feelings of safety, connection with us and showing compassion and empathy, to support him through these difficult moments that bring him back to those states of panic, pain, fear, raw vulnerability that is his lived past experiences.   

Many things create a firestorm for him.  Feelings of “being wrong” or feelings of failure easily trigger his trauma which is expressed through observable behaviors, frustration, or agitation.  This is when we know, drop demands, slow the world down, be present and calm.  For our son, this looks like us just sitting.  No words, no movements, no anything.  Just physical presents and sharing our calm.