“Our response can change the dynamic of distress”

 This is a great tweet thread.    

It makes an excellent point about our adult responsibilities to not escalate a child.  Our response absolutely can make things so much worse or can help support and co regulate the child.  Reframe and problem solving can only occur once everyone is calm, regulated and back to feeling safe.  Not one professional ever said this to us.  They said to hold child accountable in the moment.  There was no understanding about brain state stress response, regulation and co regulation and nothing matters until the child and adult are both calm, regulated and feeling safe.  Behaviors are communication.  Figuring out the WHY that lies beneath the behaviors is how we support our kids who struggle.  Not through punishment, consequences, seclusion or restraint.  If our kids can , they do.  If they can’t, figure out why!   Lack of skill to do better is always part of the “ why “ when we see our kids struggling, misbehaving, having a meltdown.  A dysregulated child cannot problem solve or learn the skill that would help them meet the demand that is being placed on them.  Adults must understand their role in helping co regulate the child through their own calmness, feelings of safety and connection.  

When we escalate the child, that is when things can really progress to even dangerous states, which can look like the autistic meltdown.  Literally it is the inability for the child to cope with the overwhelming stress response their brain and body is experiencing and their survival brain takes over and everything becomes about surviving.  This is why we say, there is no rationalizing with them, no talking with them, no problem solving or any other “solution” an adult thinks they have or presents to the child.  Only a calm, connected, present adult/caregiver that can help bring feelings of safety to the child and share their own calm can support a child to move out of the brain survival mode.  Dropping all demands and expectations that may have elevated the child to this point must be priority.  Adults have a hard time with this.  But when we understand that behavior is communication, then we see a child as needing our support and compassion.  

Kids do well if they can.  If they can’t, why not and why now!!!  

Tweet from Anne Martin

“Why escalate a student by reactivating their stress response systems when, as teachers, we have this powerful opportunity to co-regulate a child’s growing agitation and anxiety?” @desautels_phd , Connections Over Compliance

“Our response can change the dynamic of distress. It’s an opportunity - and I believe it’s an obligation. The first task is to help the child re-regulate. We will get to solving the problem once the S is physically, emotionally and cognitively settled.

At that point we can focus on the issue, reframe, validate, and problem-solve, all within the encompassing circle of relationships. - Anne Martin