Not a good feeling....

Although I hear laughter coming from the other room right now,

and he's writing a story with Daddy to occupy his time during his bowel irrigation

my heart is shattered right now.

I'm glad to hear some giggles, and silly ideas

but this day has been full of complete over the top meltdown aggressive behaviors directed toward us all

I can't help but believe in my heart of hearts, something is wrong with him!

As unpredictable as he is and can be

this even is so out of character for him, even on the worst of days!

I don't know, I don't know how to help him

I don't know what to do to "pull him out of this hole"

Everything is triggering his PTSD

every day

many times a day he will blow up and then it comes to he's afraid he has to get his button changed

that he's going to get a shot

he is so oppositional and defiant

and he is short circuiting literally the minute he isn't able to control something

and right now his need to control EVERYTHING is so high it's absolutely unattainable

I can't even explain what our family is going through right now

and trust me, we have pretty much seen it all (or so we thought)

but his behavior and aggressiveness is relentless backing down for nothing

flipping the switch in less than a millisecond

for nothing that even remotely appears sensible to us

and trust me, sometimes we can see what the trigger is

sometimes it's to be expected knowing him and his response and especially on a particular day

but whatever is going on with him right now, ever since last Thursday hospital visit

has absolutely sent him spiraling

and just when we have a moment that we feel he's breaking free

the switch is flipped once again into pure anger and physical behaviors

Just feeling so helpless

nothing we do is helpful for more than 5 minutes- and believe me we have a good bag of tricks ... and still nothing

is working

the flip is switched faster than fast and we're right back into the storm

We just don't know what to do

and that's not a good feeling :(

In fact, it's the worst feeling in the world and if there was anyway I could take this agony he is experiencing away for a second

I would!

And what is this all doing to the girls

This just sucks for them- no other words- just sucks!