On day 3 of camp, I still have a windshield!

My boy is on day 3 of basketball camp put on by our city. Day 3 of being out in the world. Day 3 of being around 60 other boys who are same age peers. Day 3 of a very extreme overstimulating sensory activity. Day 3 of doing what he loves most in this world- playing basketball.

And he's doing it. It's not easy for him by any means. In fact you can see how difficult it is for him. What when it is a highly motivating activity- he will put everything he has into doing it. That's why when he comes home after 3 hours of camp- he just lies down on the couch, headphones on, under a blanket and watches a show. That's all he can do. But the fact that this is what he does do- is awesome! We certainly know the alternative! NOT FUN!

After only 1 day of camp (grant it it was a different camp- but still it was basketball but that time he just couldn't deal even a little bit) and we could barely get to the car without him having major behaviors, and as I barely pulled the car out of the parking lot- he was threatening to jump out of the moving car, so I pulled the car over- and then in his melting down rage- not even realizing his own strength and power

CRACK- he kicked in with his barefoot the car windshield.

I was absolutely horrified. This was only 1 day of basketball camp. That was supposed to be fun. It's the game he loves so much. But too many things stood in his ability to deal with the overwhelming sensory input. Too many things happened in the 2 1/2 hour camp that he just couldn't process and handle.

And all that energy, all that lack of understanding, processing, overwhelming sensation of life got released by kicking the windshield so hard it broke.

Worst part is, we chose to put him in this situation. We signed him up. We thought it would be fun for him. We thought it would be a positive experience as the camp (a different camp) was the summer before. We thought we had done a fun thing for him. We thought he could handle it. We thought ........

I can go on and on and on. We put him there- and he couldn't handle any part of it. Not one bit for one moment. This was the worst feeling as a parent - what could we have done differently. We are pretty great at understanding him, his signals, supporting him- knowing when to challenge, nudge a bit- knowing when to back off.

So when this summer opportunity came up again for him to participate in the city basketball camp, I was scared as hell to even THINK about signing him up. After last summer, a summer of crisis, a summer of so much going so wrong for so long.... I'm just too scared many times to even attempt things knowing how bad it can possibly get- in the blink of an eye.

But I signed him up anyway! He is in a different place than he was last summer. Medical marijuana has most definitely been the single most contributing factor in this positive turn around from last summer. What is the worst that can happen? Okay I know- but I guess if we try it and all hell breaks loose- we kind of know what to do now?? Of course I don't EVER want to go back into a situation like last summer EVER.... but he's bigger, stronger, going through puberty, still has no ability to communicate in a meaningful way to others- it's bound to happen again at some point. This is Autism and mental health and medical issues..... it just is.

So on day 3 now of the camp. I still have a windshield- yay! I have to use humor to hide my real deep down anxiety of WHAT IFs and WHAT to do.... when you have a wonderful child who is so full of life but struggles SO MUCH with EVERYTHING and in the drop of a hat turn negative, aggressive and even physical- humor is my only path to keep the tears from flowing.

I have no idea what this day will bring once I pick him up in 2 hours from camp. I have no idea what his NEEDS will be. I do dose him with THC (3 drops- that's it!! it's such the tiniest yet most effective amount)- and I think it helps bring him some calmness. Trust me- it's not an easy day after camp. It's just so far not drop down physically chaotic full of threats, things thrown or him running away.

But he most certainly does need it to be quiet, calm, predictable, and be allowed to just lay on the couch watching a show in his "way" and not have anyone disturb this environment. He is like a hibernating bear. But I am so incredibly proud of him. And I know I tell myself "sometimes we have to just try something" , but it doesn't mean it's not scary as hell- that my level of anxiety isn't off the charts because I understand what the consequences of "let's just try it" can mean. It can mean a whole spectrum of things- but it can certainly end very badly for all involved. And as his parent- I never want to put him in a situation that even if he can't handle it, I am not able to help him through it more importantly.

So I am home with my 2 girls - just the 3 of us- which is weird because it NEVER occurs- but I can't help but have this pit in my stomach wondering what the afternoon will bring? Because one thing I know for sure- we just never know .....