Mom "rage", Dad "rage", bad parenting moments? It happens!

 Anyone else relate? I would add “dad” rage as well.

We all handle the immense stress that is chronic and very unforgiving within some of our families in different ways. Sometimes not the healthiest ways.

Some days I feel like after a “stressful situation” I think to myself, oh yeah I rocked that…feeling pretty accomplished and proud of myself for maintaining a sense of self that kept me grounded despite the chaos in front of me.

Other times, well let’s just say, not my best moments by a long shot. And of course my reactive self experiences shame, embarrassment and anger towards myself because “I knew better”.

But one thing I know, is I might have known better after the situation; when I have capacity to come back to myself and reflect on what the hell just happened…..and that’s what this is all about.

Our own stressed brain state, just like our kids, doesn’t always have the capacity to do better. We ourselves move into “survival state” and we have our own “poor judgement, externalized behavior” just as our children do.

This is why compassion for ourselves is crucial and compassion for our children. Because we all lose our ability and skills when we are overly stressed.

Have you ever seen an adult slam a door or a cupboard in response to frustration or anger?

But if our kid did that, or something similar or even worse, we tend to place judgement and shame on the child when just like th adult, when the child can do better, they will. And when they can’t, they need us to do regulate and get the thinking brain back online.

As the adult, what helps you get your thinking brain back on line? Is it talking to your spouse, calling a friend, going for a walk, having a glass of wine or other alcohol, maybe crying? We all learn ways whether adaptive or maladaptive that eventually brings us closer to a more balanced state.

But what choices do the kids have after a chaotic situation? We (the adults present at that moment) tend to bark more orders, tell them to stop, punish, tell them to go to the room, etc…..
put yourself in your child’s place…….would any of this help you when in this brain state ?
Curiosity is what leads us to understanding what our kids cannot often express verbally, or while their verbal abilities are limited, if they are present at all.
Which is why when they are overly stressed, they tend to “lose” any skill they may have had or have been taught…but they are cut off from the thinking brain in order to access this higher brain function.
It is a developing skill that for some of our kids, takes a very long time and lots of practice and experiences of feeling it by adult modeling to get better at. (Look how many adults lack the skill or capacity to access the skill themselves).
So I wish everyone a wonderful “spring break” that brings moments of laughter and joy to you and your families.
Remember to sprinkle self care throughout your day. Your kids will thank you for it

"Moms everywhere are constantly bombarded with sensory stimuli that outpace their ability to process or cope with it.

Being constantly needed, touched, and hearing overlapping sounds, all while trying to run a household and complete mental tasks, is very overwhelming. 

Feeling irritable because of these things is not a sign you are a bad mom; it is a sign that you are experiencing overstimulation."- Institute of Child Psychology

IMAGINE!!

 Imagine all of this! And then ask yourself, how can I help while not adding to their stress load?

Imagine if we met our children WHERE THEY ARE AT………

Not where we think they should be!

Imagine the difference it could make for them.

Imagine!

See a child differently, see a different child- Dr. Stuart Shanker & Co.

“Imagine a world where we said, what’s going on with the children? So many of them are angry and distressed after school. So many of them are shut in their bedrooms. So many of them are anxious and unhappy. So many of them disillusioned at 15.

Imagine if we didn’t think the problem was them. If we weren’t giving diagnoses like ‘after school restraint collapse’ or ‘anxiety based school avoidance’ & putting them on behaviour programmes, but instead we saw their distress as a klaxon call saying ‘Something is wrong’?

Maybe we’d look at their lives and ask ourselves what it’s like to be young in 2023. We’d see the pressure they are under and we’d ask if that’s necessary in their one and only childhood. We’d ask if they really need to spend their childhood taking tests and being ranked. ……..”

The following post is by Dr. Naomi Fisher, PhD, psychologist. 3/13/2023

Imagine a world where we said, what’s going on with the children? So many of them are angry and distressed after school. So many of them are shut in their bedrooms. So many of them are anxious and unhappy. So many of them disillusioned at 15.

Imagine if we didn’t think the problem was them. If we weren’t giving diagnoses like ‘after school restraint collapse’ or ‘anxiety based school avoidance’ & putting them on behaviour programmes, but instead we saw their distress as a klaxon call saying ‘Something is wrong’?

Maybe we’d look at their lives and ask ourselves what it’s like to be young in 2023. We’d see the pressure they are under and we’d ask if that’s necessary in their one and only childhood. We’d ask if they really need to spend their childhood taking tests and being ranked.

We’d build adventure playgrounds & make schools places full of opportunities and choices. We’d surround them with adults who valued their voices & helped them to learn about things they love, We’d build workshops and studios where they could learn skills and find meaning.

We’d value their differences and nurture their individuality. We’d make spaces for play. We’d start with relationships, always, and we’d offer them chances to challenge themselves. We’d surround them in unconditional acceptance and we’d help them recover when they messed up.

We’d tell them there are second chances, and third, and fourth and that there is never only one way in life. We’d give them hope for the future, and we’d show them we believed in them, even when they fail. We’d show them that success happens in many ways.

We’d listen to what they said & take them seriously. We’d stop assuming we always know best & we’d let them make some choices themselves. We’d tell them they can’t be ‘behind’ because there is no race. We’d let them make mistakes & we’d be there to catch them when they fell.

We might say, we’re sorry the world is in such a mess. We didn’t mean your childhood to be about pandemics, and climate disaster, and economic meltdown and mounting costs. We want you to feel safe, because you are our children. We owe you that.

There are things we can’t control - but other things we can. Our priority for childhood could be emotional well-being, relationships & opportunity. We’d choose joy. We’d make happiness an key educational outcome. We’d judge schools by how pleased children were to be there.

What would happen, if we saw the distress of children as a warning call? Not a problem in them, to be dealt with by professionals, but a sign that something isn’t right in the world. What If we listened to the tears of children & we asked, how could we do better? What then?

A recipe for Escalation

A recipe for escalation!

I am sharing a comment I made on a recent post for an organization that our district contracts with for “crisis prevention” that has received a lot of attention and comments that are in agreement with my comment.

I’ve begun discussions with the district, as what this organization trains in is not crisis prevention, and is a recipe for escalating any dysregulated human, especially our vulnerable kids. 

This is what we are seeing everyday in our classrooms.  Outdated methods that actually escalate already stressed and dysregulated kids AND importantly our already stressed and stretched very thin teachers and staff, para, etc.  This matters.  

My comment …

“This is cognitive…..=neuroscience has taught us (30 years ago) that we must use body up/ bottom up approaches first to co regulate .  There is no access to thinking brain which is why we need to understand this brain science and esp brain state dependence and how this impacts our ability to regulate our nervous system…..add brain differences and it is even more challenging.  

Which is also why connection through co regulation is the ONLY thing that shifts brain state to the thinking , social engagement brain, the cortex.   

These 5 steps most often will fail esp when using them with kids or a dysregulated adult.  Talking, explaining, reasoning are all higher brain functions.  

Please learn about this important neuroscience because these outdated approaches are harmful and leading to trauma in many kids, esp when practices such as isolation, seclusion or restraint is used in response to “behaviors”. Behaviors are signals of distress.  Do you want to be punished when you get distressed, or told to stand outside or worst, have hands placed on you because you didn’t calm down?  

Kids are humans and deserve better, as all humans do.  The information is readily available ….30 years is a period of time that has no excuses for not keeping up with the research and science.”

  

Transitions- Why are they so HARD?

Let’s talk transitions!   

THEY ARE HARD for many of our kids.  

It’s important to understand the WHY that lies under what causes them so much distress during transitions.

It’s not a choice or a conscious decision.  There are physiological reasons that our more vulnerable kids struggle with the stress of transitions.   

https://youtu.be/cA7UbKnM0RM

Managing Transitions

Shared from NeuroWild: My Issue with Compliance Based-Methods

 Shared from NeuroWild:

 

My issue with compliance-based methods.

You have assumed that my kid has made an intentional choice to not do the thing. You have assumed that they are entirely capable of doing the thing in this moment, but they have chosen not to. Based on this reasoning, all my kid needs is more rewards offered and more consequences given. Then they will learn to make the ‘right choice’, and just do the thing.

This is so incorrect. 

As Dr Ross Greene says, kids do well if they can.

My kid WILL do the thing WHEN HE CAN.

When he doesn’t, it’s probably because he’s too dysregulated. 

It’s probably because he has absolutely no mental energy left. 

It could be because he’s had to mask hard all day and he’s got nothing left to give. 

It could be because he can’t access his executive function skills in this moment. 

It could be because he’s not ok inside. 

It could be because he is too sad. 

It could be because he is a perfectionist and doesn’t think he can do the thing perfectly right this minute. 

It could be because his head is pounding from massive sensory overload. 

It could be anxiety. 

It could be because he has learnt that mistakes are punished here. 

It could be that he is minutes away from shutting down. 

It could be all these things.

When my kid doesn’t do the thing, it is because he can’t- not because he won’t.

Do not make the mistake of thinking that my kid just isn’t trying hard enough. 

He tries so much harder than you will ever know.

Em 🌈

AuDHD SLP

Unschooling, Homeschooling, Self-Directed Education- yes it looks different! That's the beauty of it

  I think too many believe they need boundaries and limits because they still are stuck in the traditional education paradigm, and haven’t yet fully embraced it, education can and should look different than what many of us are used to.  Starting with allowing the child to guide the process.   But this isn’t “a free for all” ( well most of the time lol). Establishing a pattern and synchrony with the kids helps build that foundation that launches them to take ownership of their own learning.  Words like boundaries and limits are not necessary because these are often attempts to control something (usually because that’s what is programmed in our minds).  But in fact, establishing rhythm, and bringing synchrony between you and the child/children brings children's innate gifts to the space and brings meaningful experiences which is “learning “.  

It looks different, it feels different, it should be different.  And it’s quite wonderful!  

Picture to the right: is an "unschooling" project where we took apart an old toy, reused the motor, and created a "robot" with buttons, google eyes and it moves. There was a lot of learning this day. More importantly, it was a lot of fun and connection-building.

Original article

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid024xZhy86pHXmcLgrkVDNQyxvs8u92hTkRwToKAKduedCEcv5TtCz6LK4g2AezSRDml&id=100044233489457

 

Does the child in front of you match the child you are reading about on paper?