Anyone else relate? I would add “dad” rage as well.
We all handle the immense stress that is chronic and very unforgiving within some of our families in different ways. Sometimes not the healthiest ways.
Some days I feel like after a “stressful situation” I think to myself, oh yeah I rocked that…feeling pretty accomplished and proud of myself for maintaining a sense of self that kept me grounded despite the chaos in front of me.
Other times, well let’s just say, not my best moments by a long shot. And of course my reactive self experiences shame, embarrassment and anger towards myself because “I knew better”.
But one thing I know, is I might have known better after the situation; when I have capacity to come back to myself and reflect on what the hell just happened…..and that’s what this is all about.
Our own stressed brain state, just like our kids, doesn’t always have the capacity to do better. We ourselves move into “survival state” and we have our own “poor judgement, externalized behavior” just as our children do.
This is why compassion for ourselves is crucial and compassion for our children. Because we all lose our ability and skills when we are overly stressed.
Have you ever seen an adult slam a door or a cupboard in response to frustration or anger?
But if our kid did that, or something similar or even worse, we tend to place judgement and shame on the child when just like th adult, when the child can do better, they will. And when they can’t, they need us to do regulate and get the thinking brain back online.
As the adult, what helps you get your thinking brain back on line? Is it talking to your spouse, calling a friend, going for a walk, having a glass of wine or other alcohol, maybe crying? We all learn ways whether adaptive or maladaptive that eventually brings us closer to a more balanced state.
But what choices do the kids have after a chaotic situation? We (the adults present at that moment) tend to bark more orders, tell them to stop, punish, tell them to go to the room, etc…..
put yourself in your child’s place…….would any of this help you when in this brain state ?
Curiosity is what leads us to understanding what our kids cannot often express verbally, or while their verbal abilities are limited, if they are present at all.
Which is why when they are overly stressed, they tend to “lose” any skill they may have had or have been taught…but they are cut off from the thinking brain in order to access this higher brain function.
It is a developing skill that for some of our kids, takes a very long time and lots of practice and experiences of feeling it by adult modeling to get better at. (Look how many adults lack the skill or capacity to access the skill themselves).
So I wish everyone a wonderful “spring break” that brings moments of laughter and joy to you and your families.
Remember to sprinkle self care throughout your day. Your kids will thank you for it
"Moms everywhere are constantly bombarded with sensory stimuli that outpace their ability to process or cope with it.
Being constantly needed, touched, and hearing overlapping sounds, all while trying to run a household and complete mental tasks, is very overwhelming.
Feeling irritable because of these things is not a sign you are a bad mom; it is a sign that you are experiencing overstimulation."- Institute of Child Psychology
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