New to the neurodiversity world or just want to better understand it and how it fits for you, your child, or anyone else.
This talk by an autistic adult who is a psychologist and researcher is a great way to understand what it means to be neurodivergent in this world that often sees differences as something to fix.
What is Neurodivesity? From an actual autistic psychologist & Researcher
April Autism Acceptance Month post:
This. The roots of development are autistic for an autistic person…this is their neurobiological existence, everything that flowers and grows from there, is experienced through an autistic root system. This is what grounds an individual to this planet.
This is what helps nurture the planet. This is what makes the planet what it is and helps sustain so many other living organisms. This diversity is vital to its existence. But every living thing on this planet has different needs and contributes to the health and well being of this one planet in their unique way and this is necessary for this entire living system to flourish and be well.
Autism acceptance……..belonging
There are zero non-autistic parts of an autistic person.
If you were to take the Autism away, that person would simply not exist anymore.
It is our entire experience, our whole existence, and for many of us it is a major part of our identity.
In case you’re new here, I’m big on Autistic pride.
What are you proud of today?
Literally 5 minutes ago I stumbled onto an older project that I never got finished (because it’s freaking massive), and reignited my intense passion for that. I’m all excited again now. If I don’t eat or sleep for the next 6 months we could have it done before Christmas
Em
AuDHD SLP
Therapeutic Parenting- Get Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable
therapeutic-parenting-get-comfortable-with-being-uncomfortable/
Therapeutic parenting isn’t “therapy.” It’s about how we are with our kids at any given moment.
It is showing up for them in a way that is supportive of their well-being, their nervous system, and their individual needs at any given moment.
It is through this “therapeutic” idea that attuned, connected caregivers can be “the agents of change” through our relationships with our children and by showing up authentically and responsively...........
click here to read the article in its entirety-
therapeutic-parenting-get-comfortable-with-being-uncomfortable/
........It is through these sensory-rich experiences that they begin to process and figure out how they fit into this world. This is a developmental process. This is learning. Kids learn through their senses (body up), and it becomes a felt sense in the body that, as they grow up, becomes a felt memory. It is these experiences of how others around them make them feel that contribute so much to their understanding about themselves, actively shaping who they are, and this becomes their inner voice: am I loveable, am I likable, am I good enough?
It is through our repeated experiences and predictable co-regulation that we feel and can develop our own self-regulation skills, which we can then pass on to future generations. There is no self-regulation without co-regulation!
The parent-child connection is the most powerful mental health intervention known to mankind”
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
Self-regulation comes from feeling safe in the company of another. This is under our awareness. This sense of relational safety is felt in the nervous system. ...........
........Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It is through this personal growth that we become more capable of showing up as authentically as possible for our kids. Our kids thrive when they feel seen, safe, and soothed by our presence. This, too, becomes their inner voice.
Relationships are the agents of change, and the most powerful therapy is human love.”
Dr.Bruce Perry
All of this…. 👇. Unfortunately when my infant son was experiencing great pain in his first years of life (turns out due to dysfunctional diseased bowels) I knew just enough about the early years to be worried about his brain development and ability for attachment, bonding and his overall development and well being.
Trauma (PTSD) from all his medical experiences was his first diagnosis at age 5. It’s been a long bumpy road, and we will never give up on him.
Early trauma creates a nervous system that has a very hard time coming out of “protection” and struggles for “connection”.
Healing can happen! Connection can happen!
Want to know more about why I don’t like ABA and believe it is harmful?
This is a good explanation by the Autistic Science Person.
Always ask yourself, is this type of program supporting my child in a way that celebrates their differences, appreciates their experiences and understands they deserve respect, autonomy and to build their capacity to gain a sense of self without being ridiculed, shutdown and harmed?
If you don’t think this is happening in these behavioral programs, I would definitely ask a lot of questions of the staff that work with your kids and notice how your child responds when they are told it’s time to go to the therapy center.
Our kids are always communicating how they are feeling, even when we don’t want to see what their message is telling us. Our kids are not to be profited off of by these corporations, and this is exactly what is happening now more than ever.
Our US govt actually has moved away from these behavioral therapies because their research on outcomes was not favorable to continuing to pay for these services.
There are so many better alternatives that prioritize what is well known about child and brain development, relationship based supports that don’t harm our kids.
Behaviors are just the symptom, like a fever. What needs support is everything that is the root cause of the “fever “. Behavioral therapies just try to make th fever go away without understanding everything that contributed to the fever in the first place. A fever won’t go away if their is an underlying infection. You have to treat the underlying infection for the fever to improve.
Original post from Autistic Science Person-
I'm tired of hearing the same arguments that ABA therapists use over and over again, so I wrote a new post that breaks them down here:
"These situations are why ABA is a breeding ground for meltdowns. The only way ABA knows how to “train” a child, to “motivate” them (as if they were lacking in motivation before this), is to negate their needs or take away their joy.
It’s as if there’s an assumption being made that autistic people don’t want to communicate in any way or form to other people, ever. And this assumption is dehumanizing, further traumatizes autistic people, and reinforces the “they’re stuck in their own world” trope that tells allistic people we’re not really human. This is why treating abled neurotypical children this way is not normalized and why so many ABA therapists who are more critical in other areas of their lives somehow have blinders on when it comes to autistic children specifically." https://autisticscienceperson.com/2023/03/31/autism-acceptance-week-and-applied-behavior-analysis/
I continue to dig deeper to gain more knowledge that helps me make sense of our own lived experiences raising autistic, neurodivergent and medically complex kids who have their own unique needs and trauma that are not included or taught in many educational programs, or textbooks.
So much of what continues to be taught is outdated and is focused on the wrong things.
Kids need support and their unique needs met. Not to be controlled, coerced or fixed”.
They need help with their problems, not punished for having problems.
My lived experiences has given me the passion to want to support families and individuals that so often others don’t understand, misunderstand and do not know how to best support them.
The lenses that many use when they see our kids with neuro differences is based on neurotypical norms, societal norms “because that’s how things have always been done” thinking with no understanding that they experience and process the world differently.
It is how they are biologically wired.
It’s their neurology and something to appreciate not punish because they have a different way of being on this planet.
I have continued to gain more knowledge in areas of brain science, human physiology, attachment, and relationships. As well as the laws in place to protect our kids and families especially while in school- IEPs, disabilities rights, IDEA, 504 accommodations
All have been foundational to providing the right supports for my own family and now for the families and caregivers I work with.
Want to learn more, check out my website
I offer numerous free resources and useful information that is founded in science, is neuroaffirming, and understands the importance of a holistic and relational mindset when supporting kids.
I believe when parents/caregivers feel empowered and supported with the right tools that meet their child’s unique needs, this is when everyone’s nervous systems begin to feel connected and safe to experience more joy and balance. This is what promotes growth and well being for everyone.
I also offer free 30 minute consultations if you are curious as to how I may be able to support you and your child.
Our kids are whole beings; mind, body and brain and we must consider this as well as their experiences and individual differences when supporting them.
It’s never doing to, but rather working with approaches when we begin to see the growth and joy our kids deserve.
https://www.crowsnestadvocacy.com/
Shared from The Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint:
Brain areas implicated in the stress response include the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. Traumatic stress can be associated with lasting changes in these brain areas. The amygdala detects threats in the environment and activate the “fight or flight” response. The use of restraint and seclusion can lead to changes in the brain.
Anyone else relate? I would add “dad” rage as well.
But what choices do the kids have after a chaotic situation? We (the adults present at that moment) tend to bark more orders, tell them to stop, punish, tell them to go to the room, etc…..
put yourself in your child’s place…….would any of this help you when in this brain state ?
Curiosity is what leads us to understanding what our kids cannot often express verbally, or while their verbal abilities are limited, if they are present at all.
Which is why when they are overly stressed, they tend to “lose” any skill they may have had or have been taught…but they are cut off from the thinking brain in order to access this higher brain function.
It is a developing skill that for some of our kids, takes a very long time and lots of practice and experiences of feeling it by adult modeling to get better at. (Look how many adults lack the skill or capacity to access the skill themselves).
So I wish everyone a wonderful “spring break” that brings moments of laughter and joy to you and your families.
Remember to sprinkle self care throughout your day. Your kids will thank you for it 
"Moms everywhere are constantly bombarded with sensory stimuli that outpace their ability to process or cope with it.
Being constantly needed, touched, and hearing overlapping sounds, all while trying to run a household and complete mental tasks, is very overwhelming.
Feeling irritable because of these things is not a sign you are a bad mom; it is a sign that you are experiencing overstimulation."- Institute of Child Psychology
Imagine all of this! And then ask yourself, how can I help while not adding to their stress load?
A recipe for escalation!
I am sharing a comment I made on a recent post for an organization that our district contracts with for “crisis prevention” that has received a lot of attention and comments that are in agreement with my comment.
I’ve begun discussions with the district, as what this organization trains in is not crisis prevention, and is a recipe for escalating any dysregulated human, especially our vulnerable kids.
This is what we are seeing everyday in our classrooms. Outdated methods that actually escalate already stressed and dysregulated kids AND importantly our already stressed and stretched very thin teachers and staff, para, etc. This matters.
My comment …
“This is cognitive…..=neuroscience has taught us (30 years ago) that we must use body up/ bottom up approaches first to co regulate . There is no access to thinking brain which is why we need to understand this brain science and esp brain state dependence and how this impacts our ability to regulate our nervous system…..add brain differences and it is even more challenging.
Which is also why connection through co regulation is the ONLY thing that shifts brain state to the thinking , social engagement brain, the cortex.
These 5 steps most often will fail esp when using them with kids or a dysregulated adult. Talking, explaining, reasoning are all higher brain functions.
Please learn about this important neuroscience because these outdated approaches are harmful and leading to trauma in many kids, esp when practices such as isolation, seclusion or restraint is used in response to “behaviors”. Behaviors are signals of distress. Do you want to be punished when you get distressed, or told to stand outside or worst, have hands placed on you because you didn’t calm down?
Kids are humans and deserve better, as all humans do. The information is readily available ….30 years is a period of time that has no excuses for not keeping up with the research and science.”
Let’s talk transitions!
THEY ARE HARD for many of our kids.
It’s important to understand the WHY that lies under what causes them so much distress during transitions.
It’s not a choice or a conscious decision. There are physiological reasons that our more vulnerable kids struggle with the stress of transitions.
Shared from NeuroWild:
You have assumed that my kid has made an intentional choice to not do the thing. You have assumed that they are entirely capable of doing the thing in this moment, but they have chosen not to. Based on this reasoning, all my kid needs is more rewards offered and more consequences given. Then they will learn to make the ‘right choice’, and just do the thing.
This is so incorrect.
As Dr Ross Greene says, kids do well if they can.
My kid WILL do the thing WHEN HE CAN.
When he doesn’t, it’s probably because he’s too dysregulated.
It’s probably because he has absolutely no mental energy left.
It could be because he’s had to mask hard all day and he’s got nothing left to give.
It could be because he can’t access his executive function skills in this moment.
It could be because he’s not ok inside.
It could be because he is too sad.
It could be because he is a perfectionist and doesn’t think he can do the thing perfectly right this minute.
It could be because his head is pounding from massive sensory overload.
It could be anxiety.
It could be because he has learnt that mistakes are punished here.
It could be that he is minutes away from shutting down.
It could be all these things.
When my kid doesn’t do the thing, it is because he can’t- not because he won’t.
Do not make the mistake of thinking that my kid just isn’t trying hard enough.
He tries so much harder than you will ever know.
Em 🌈
AuDHD SLP
It looks different, it feels different, it should be different. And it’s quite wonderful!
Picture to the right: is an "unschooling" project where we took apart an old toy, reused the motor, and created a "robot" with buttons, google eyes and it moves. There was a lot of learning this day. More importantly, it was a lot of fun and connection-building.
Original article
The first thing you may notice in this update, I choose to listen to the autistic community and now use identity first language. That’s one part.
Secondly, compared to when I started this blog, we were in crisis. Crisis everyday. Seeking professionals to help us understand our child and the behaviors and struggles that he expressed everyday, often all day long. We wanted to understand what we were seeing and so we could better understand how to help him. We looked external because this is what parents are directed to do.
A big part of this journey has led me to the place of parent empowerment. We , unknowingly gave away our parental power when seeking to help our child. We just didn’t know. But the path forward led us to see we needed to take back our power because we know our child best. We are his connection. We are the ones who love him unconditionally. We are his true advocates who will never give up fighting and supporting him. This is what led us to this point. When things got hard, others turned away, shrugged their shoulders not knowing where to try next, and sadly even giving up on our son. This felt like a rock in the pit of our stomach. It was like an attempt by others to take away any hope we had for his future.
This was not one person, not 2 people, many people, professionals.
Why? Because they did not understand the most up to date brain science that helps us understand our kids who struggle with challenging behaviors. It really is that simple! They did not understand because they were following the old paradigm “ of behaviorism” and operant conditioning.
Now we understand why all the methods suggested to us were ineffective. And to be quite honest, I am so glad they were ineffective. Because this meant we had to dig deeper. We had to explore the true meaning of his behaviors and see that he was struggling and needing our help.
He was never a bad kid. Despite being told some awful things about our child, and projections that were downright terrible, he was our kid who had a lot of terrible experiences that were not in his control starting since birth.
It isn’t about what is wrong with him! It is about what happened to him! And let me tell you, a lot happened to him starting so young. Chronic pain since birth, poor development, hospitals, doctors, tests, surgeries, and that is just in the first three years of his life. So yeah, a lot happened to him. Thank goodness he is a fighter, otherwise we would have lost him. He had to fight to stay alive. He had to fight to get us and others to see him in pain. He had to keep fighting because no one seemed to be listening. We knew something was wrong, but we’re dismissed too many times I can’t even count them. But we didn’t give up. We would never give up and we never will. Thank goodness he never did.
This old paradigm of "there is something wrong with my child" started an awful cascade of inappropriate and even abusive interventions. Interventions that were well meaning, but we just didn’t know at the time the toll it would take on him. The trauma that would occur because the protocols and therapies to help autistic kids was so outdated. I’m talking about Applied Behavioral Analysis. This is what all parents are told to start as soon as they get an autism diagnosis for their child. We believed the professionals who told us that this was the best form of therapy for supporting our child. What they don’t tell you is that it is all based on animal studies, pigeons (yes pigeons) and rats and has deep deep roots to gay conversion therapy and that the researchers believed the autistic person has a mind that is empty and can be manipulated and molded to what the therapists wants to see. If you think I’m wrong, just go look it up. The evidence is clear, ABA is dehumanizing and abusive. This is why I am against its use and we need to stop ABA. Especially because there are better alternatives and many other therapies, resources that are actually proven to be beneficial for kids and people who are neurodiverse, are challenging, or any other struggle. Many of us have brain wiring differences. It is what makes this world beautiful. These alternatives that can help support our kids is all founded in the neuroscience of development and understanding brain state of regulation. That’s it. That is the secret everyone needs to hear. When kids and adults struggle with anything, it is rooted in their ability or inability to regulate ones own nervous system. It is a dysregulated nervous system that interferes with a child or persons ability to control their emotions so that they can access their thinking brain and make decisions based on a person thinking rationally about it.
There is research proving how the brain develops and it develops in a sequential manner. There is no skipping developmental processs. This development is what lays the foundation for the next step in development. And then the next and the next.
Dr. Bruce Perry calls this the Neurosequential model of development.
When we saw none of the “recommended therapies” were effective in helping our son and helping us help our son, we knew something had to change. What we also saw was not only was it not effective, it was causing further issues for him. It was harming him. It was harming our relationship with him. It was destroying him from the inside. We could see it in his eyes. So the help we were told to utilize, was in fact traumatizing our son.
We had enough knowledge and experience to know this was not going to continue. We knew he had sensory experiences that caused him great pain and fear as sensory experiences can (I know this first hand). We knew that his body experienced the world differently and his needs were more extreme and very unique because of his past experiences. We knew when his world was right, when his needs were all met, his mind was regulated and his body calm. This is when we saw our boy shine and thrive. Best part of seeing this, is he was happy and joyful. We knew it was possible. We knew his spirit could shine. It just took so much to get him there. Sometimes it seemed impossible. But we did always try our best. And of course always had our sons best interest in mind 100% of the time. But as they say, when you know better, you do better. This is what we had to do. We had to do better for our child. Even if it meant going against mainstream thinking. And this included going against professional advice by several doctors. They didn’t know better. They were stuck in this idea that kids are either well behaved, and good or not well behaved therefore bad. It comes down to compliance. And if we were just more strict, more consistent, more this, more that, then everything would be fine and our son would not behave in the manner he did. He wouldn’t hit, he wouldn’t run away, he wouldn’t get aggressive or yell or throw objects or not listen to us or other adults.
I guess when kids are considered well behaved, I believe another way to say it is, they are compliant no matter what. My son could not be compliant. If he was a compliant child who didn’t send signals that something was wrong, that he was in great pain, that he needed us to understand so that we could help him, he would have died. Most parents don’t have these more extreme experiences, especially early on that drive the narrative of something is wrong with our child and he is communicating the only way he knows how and he desperately needs us to understand why!
The why is what steers us to meeting the child’s needs. The why is where their struggles are rooted. The why is what we sought from the time he was 5 days old. The why is what we knew was driving him to struggle and communicate he needed us to pay attention and see him struggling. Whether a child has a medical issue as our son, or a diagnosis, or is just simply a more challenging child in the adults mind, we must look to ourselves first to see what is my role in this? Am I helping my child feel comfort and secure in our relationship? Am I meeting my child’s needs so that they can grow, develop and explore their world as children do? Is my child signaling through “behaviors”, tantrums, or other observable challenges that I interpret as my child being non compliant, difficult or even misbehaving? Am I the calm, regulated connected person I need to be so that I can share my calm emotional brain state of regulation with my child because we now understand that only a calm regulated connected caregiver can calm, soothe, regulate a dysregulated child.? Is this what I am doing? This is the million dollar question that every adult needs to ask themselves before they even approach a dysregulated, upset child. Without this understanding, we, the adults, are more likely to escalate a child who is struggling. I know I am very guilty of this. I simply didn’t know. Behaviorism is what we thought was the correct path to help our child. We were told this by pediatricians, psychologists, therapists, psychiatrists, teachers, educators, and many other professionals we had on our team. Yes, we were trying every avenue to help our son. We were also fortunate to have resources that many families don’t have available to them. But what do families do when everything they are being told to do to help their child, isn’t working?
We left them all. We stopped ABA. Our son was already not attending school, because he literally was not capable of attending school. They did not understand how to support him and his experiences while at school and it caused more trauma for him. It was clear through his behaviors, he did not have the ability, skill or strength to attend school at that time, so for his well being I homeschooled, unschooled him for 9 years. BTW best decision we could have made. This created the best opportunity for him to pave his own path of learning, using his interests and developing his internal motivation to keep learning. This was what we hoped this experience would be. He is an excellent, motivated learner who loves history and turns out is an amazing writer. He struggled to write for many years. When he was younger he loved typing wonderful stories on an old alpha smart. But one day he stopped. He was about 9 or so. But now he is a great student. I don't and would never pressure him to do his work. He does it on his own, independently and is driven by his own motivations to learn and succeed. He us now talking about college. More on that later.
After years of stopping all these external therapies, educational experiences, and honestly slowing down the world around our son to a pace that he could function, thrive and be happy in, we saw for the first time some growth and progress. We followed his lead. He was our tour guide in the life of Ty. He was allowed to just exist. We met him where he was at at any given moment. We focused on healing our relationship so he felt safe and once again he could be safe with us. Remember how I mentioned the neurosequential model of brain development?
Well, that is very important to understanding how to move forward when supporting a child that was complex. He was and never has been a bad kid. He wasn’t a bad baby, he wasnt a bad toddler. He was never a child that should ever be viewed through a lens of being good or bad. No child should be viewed this way. This is the shift in our minds we all must make so that we can actually SEE our kids for who they are. Our kids who need us to love them unconditionally, to be present with them when it is a good moment and when it is a bad moment. The bad moments are the ones they need us the most. Being seen, present and connected (as Dr. Tina Payne Bryson and Dr. Siegel mention in several of their books). This is what kids need to feel safe and secure. Feeling safe and secure is what all kids need to develop and grow in each stage of development. It is feelings of safety in the presence of a connected caregiver that brings our children forward on the path of childhood.
I wish it was some deep dark kept secret of what kids really need, and even the kids who have more challenging behaviors. But it really is this simple.
Now, don’t get me wrong. We still have many challenges. Our son still struggles in many areas. He has developmental trauma from all his chronic early pain, hospitalizations and experiences that he probably doesn’t even remember. We work every day to repair and to gain his trust. Trust is very hard for him after so many negative even painful experiences. His nervous system never knows who to trust and what someone might do to him. This leaves him in a high state of arousal and alert. Always on guard to protect himself. His body just doesn’t forget. As Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk says in his book “The Body Keeps the Score”, this is in fact what happens. The trauma lives in the body. It can be triggered and the person won’t even know what happened. Except that the trigger causes their brain state to immediately react and the fight, flight or freeze response hijacks the limbic system of the brain and there is no more thinking. In my sons case, he tends to flee, escape -RUN. This is good. Movement is regulating, escaping in the moment to get away from a perceived threat is good. He always escaped. Unfortunately, in ABA, behaviorists tell parents, like we were,to not let them escape. That the child must tolerate and comply with whatever is being asked of them despite their bodies wanting to escape. Behaviorists will stop a child from escaping, they will block an escaping child. They see escaping and “getting out of" whatever it was they were asked to do and are now attempting to flee from it. This is survival! This is all done without any understanding of WHY the child’s nervous system is commanding the body to run. Behaviorists just see it as a behavior that needs to be fixed. Needs to be stopped. Needs to be replaced with a "more acceptable " behavior. More acceptable to who? It is without any regards to what the child needs or the why that always lies beneath the observable behavior. It is all about control, 'do as I say' and forcing compliance no matter what. This is exactly why ABA is abusive and needs to be seen as an outdated therapy that is no longer relevant in 2021 and to put this profession out of business so that it cannot harm another child or any person again. This even goes for all the nice, well meaning behaviorists whose intentions are in the right place; but can’t see past what the therapy actually does to a person.
This model has followed students into schools and has become so pervasive in our society because we see people who experience the world differently, who may act different than what society has set as the “norm” or that have needs that are considered different, as people who need fixing. We must think outside this predescribed box of what society says is normal and correct and realize there is a whole lot of other fabulous boxes , each one for each unique individual as we are all unique and should never be forced into someone else’s box.
My son has given us the greatest gift. He gave us the gift to see the world through a new pair of lenses. This has allowed us to see him for the amazing kid he is, to understand him and do our best to meet his needs. To always see him not for his struggles, but to see him and to know he is always trying his best. “If we see our kids differently, we will see a different kid”- Dr.Stuart Shanker.
Our journey has been quite an adventure. We could never have predicted where our son would be today. No one else could either. The difference is, we never gave up. We knew if we could just understand how to meet our sons needs, that it would catapult him to his future. Which is exactly what all kids need. Diagnosis or not. All kids deserve and need parents, caregivers, etc that see them and meet their individual needs and never give up on them. They need to feel they are loved unconditionally. That they make a room shine when they come in. That we see them with soft eyes, a warm heart and connection that can never be broken.
This blog follows the path of how we got to where we are. But the only thing that actually mattered, was that we followed our child’s lead as to the best way to meet his needs. With our own flexible, predictable and constant sources of love and healing, we were able to grow as parents to see what our child needed the most. Us! This has helped our family heal and has brought a new found understanding of what it means to be happy and live. We still find the most joy in our “Paradise in a bubble” because this is where all of our nervous systems are connected and calmest together. It is just what this family needed. It is the solid foundation we all needed and can always rely on, in both good times and in bad!
I
“One doesn’t “just get over” some things”
This is a great article on the issues with schools and school staff NOT being trauma informed, trauma sensitive and trauma responsive.
Trauma stays in the body. No one knows who has a trauma history. Unfortunately what we have learned from the ACES study, which is
“is one of the largest investigations of childhood abuse and neglect and household challenges and later-life health and well-being.
The original ACE Study was conducted at Kaiser Permanente from 1995 to 1997 with two waves of data collection. Over 17,000 Health Maintenance Organization members from Southern California receiving physical exams completed confidential surveys regarding their childhood experiences and current health status and behaviors.” Source CDC.gov
“The findings are important medically, socially, and economically: They provide remarkable insight into how we become what we are as individuals and as a nation. The ACE Study reveals a powerful relation between our emotional experiences as children and our adult emotional health, physical health, and major causes of mortality in the United States. Moreover, the time factors in the study make it clear that time does not heal some of the adverse experiences we found so common in the childhoods of a large population of middle-aged, middle-class Americans. One doesn’t “just get over” some things.”-Journal ListPerm Jv.6(1); Winter 2002PMC6220625
Dr. Ablon is Associate Professor at Harvard Medical School, Founder and Director of Think:Kids at Massachusetts General Hospital, and an author.
School Discipline is Trauma-Insensitive and Trauma-Uninformed- by Dr. Ablon
Why change is needed to meet the needs of students exposed to trauma
“.....schools often still rely heavily on punitive school disciplinary strategies
Students who exhibit challenging behavior are often the students with trauma histories because being exposed to chronic stress or trauma delays brain development, causing lags in skill development which in turn result in challenging behaviors. No wonder traditional school discipline doesn’t work with traumatized students: motivational strategies don’t teach students the neurocognitive skills they lack.
.....traditional school discipline revolves around rewarding students when they do what we want and revoking privileges when they don’t: a toxic dynamic that many traumatized kids are already all too familiar with in their past relationships with adults. In other words, traditional school disciplinary strategies are about as trauma-uninformed and trauma-insensitive as it gets!”- Dr. Stuart Ablon.
How we discipline kids matters. Are we trying to “teach” kids or do we just want to see them feel bad and experience something negative? This makes no sense if we don’t start treating kids, all kids because we do not know who has trauma history and we cannot risk causing further trauma to kids who need support and our connection above everything. Yes, even our more challenging kids. Remember, kids do well if they can. What lies underneath the behavior we see is what we must figure out. The child is communicating in the only way they know how in that moment. That’s it. If we shift our mindset to seeing kids who have challenging behaviors as kids who need our support, need to feel safe, need our connection, and do not have the skill set to communicate in a more appropriate way in that moment, we SEE a different kid and we share our compassion and co regulation which they FEEL!
The ACES study has shown us how common adverse experiences are in kids. Trauma lives in the body. When a child has traumatic experiences even if they don’t have memory of it, their bodies hang onto it.
We can help all kids if we just see them as needing our help. That’s it! Punitive punishments do not help kids. Punitive measures, isolation, seclusion, and many other common forms of punishments are meant to be negative and harsh and kids do not learn anything from them. We know better. It is time to do better for our kids.
This is 22 min of a very powerful conversation. I highly encourage all parents watch it. One of the experts, Jacquelyn Fede, PhD is autistic.
Her knowledge and experiences are just so eye opening as a parent. She does a demonstration that I have never seen done before and quite honestly made me horrified after watching it. Because this is what it is like for many of our kids. The conversation grew from an article by the Behaviorists association President talking about how they know ABA is wrong and even apologizes...but goes on to talk about the “new ABA “...
I believe I posted the article awhile back for anyone interested.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2TDEMY40szQ&feature=youtu.be
One take away for me is basically, yes we all understand the importance of “skill building” for some of our kids in many different capacities. But we cannot have “skill building” come at the expense of a persons autonomy and existence. And it doesn’ have to be. There are numerous ways to build regulatory capacities and give individuals the tools they need to be successful. It just has been proven to not be through behaviorism.
https://youtu.be/2TDEMY40sz
I had to “introduce “ myself to an online group that we are all diving deep into discussion about Dr. Mona Delahooke’s book “Beyond Behaviors “. I think I’ve mentioned her and her book a few times 😁😉. I love her work and it is something I can point to when we encounter others who are not listening to us. The old paradigm vs th new paradigm.
This is what I wrote. It is personal. It was hard to write. It brought back so many difficult memories. We just wanted to help our son. Nobody would listen. The crucial years were rolling by, this made us feel so desperate and stressed. My favorite is when “others” literally would tell us, your stressed out parents, you need to relax! Or my favorite, at age 5 from a world renowned “Autism” center, the quick judgement and I have a hand written note that says “mom should get a babysitter”. Seriously, that is what we were told (btw so often everything does fall on the mom. Even though my husband was at every single doctors appt, assessment appt, etc). But that is a discussion for another day.
So, here is what I wrote. It is good for us to remember how far we have come. How much progress he has made. Because on many days, when we felt so defeated and exhausted, we always managed to get through. Should it have been so hard for so long.....absolutely not. Did he need to suffer for so long, nope. There was a lot of malpractice IMO. But our energy and focus has always been on our son and our family. We had to tune out that external noise. We had to turn inward, and realize no one was coming to the rescue. We were on this island alone. We were going to figure things out on our own. So we did. It is as simple as that. Parents are so often dismissed. I believe in parent empowerment because that is what saved our sons life.
I am the parent of a child with ASD, ADHD, OCD, SPD and major medical complications. He was the child that all our professionals scratches their head not understanding “his severe behavioral over reactions” to everything! We were concerned, but we were more concerned with the why. We knew he experienced significant pain since birth. His bowels were so damaged and inflamed by the time a doctor listened to us, looked inside, and yes his entire GI tract was full of ulcerations, red and very inflamed, and were so enlarged they would have perforated had we not kept pushing to get him help. So a child, who experienced all of this since birth, couldn’t sleep, eat, existed with chronic pain in those early years......well this led to what we thought was an angry little boy. But we also understood why. However his behaviors grew as he grew because all the old traditional methods to “stop behaviors” were never effective. We were blamed, told we spoiled him (even when he was in the hospital for 12 days as a 4 yo.....terrible). We listened to others. They never seemed to listen to us. To them behaviors were behaviors and it didn’t matter why. Rewards, time out, ignoring, isolation and even eventually restraints (we were told) were necessary to keep him and our family safe.
I wish I had books like Beyond Behaviors so long ago. Luckily we never ever gave up, we dropped behavior therapy, we focused on our child, we even had to take him out of school (they made things worse for him) and homeschooled/unschooled him for 9 years. I used DIR floortime philosophy because I knew we needed to meet him where he was at. He experienced so much medical trauma, trauma from behavioral therapy, trauma from us even trying to help him. Trust is hard for him. I understand why. For years, I followed his lead. He was the guide. I learned so much. His nervous system over time calmed down. He was more engaging. We dropped expectations for a long while. He was not able to meet them. He might have been 10 or 11, but developmentally he was more like an infant. Needing his basic needs met. Connecting and feeling safe with us. And slowing down the world around him so that he could just breathe. So we did. And for the first time, we saw progress. We saw him. We saw more laughter, and joy. Baby steps and patience led him (and our family) to a calmer, happier home life. We understood the why beneath the behaviors. He was not able to communicate in any other way. He still struggles with being to verbalize his needs, wants, and feelings. His words most of the time are just that, words. Scripts he says over and over. Memorized conversations. Things he repeats from TV. We know this. We understand his iceberg. We know how to support him. He is an amazing kid who has endured so much in his life. His behaviors at age 5 were so worrisome that several professionals told us we needed to place him in residential care. We never gave up. He is our son. It was following our intuition and him that led us to where we are today. Not behaviorism and professionals who simply gave up so often because they didn’t understand. This paradigm shift for us was life altering and why we share our story. Because I’m pretty sure my son was an extreme child. Very complicating factors contributing to his behaviors we saw. But we knew those were his only communication. It literally saved his life when he was little. Had he not been able to “communicate “ his severe pain, we would. It have known to continue finding the right help for him when he was not even 3. Since age 4 he has a cecostomy button which is an external port to irrigate his bowels every night. He is now 16. He has experienced medical trauma. He was hospitalized 7 times when he was only 3. This was all apart of his development during those first years. Our son survived all this. And now, he is thriving. He talks about going to college. He is an amazing kid who still struggles. Not as much and we know how to support him. It isn’t always easy. In fact, some days are still really hard during this pandemic. But he is safe. He is a beautiful human that had to overcome so much to get to where he is. Books like Beyond Behaviors was my ahh ha moment. Because it gave me the better understanding of why we did what we did for him so many years ago, was effective. I now support other parents who have children who struggle. I hope our story, my sons story inspires other parents to never give up. Parent empowerment is so important because we do know our kids best. And if we hadn’t listened to ourselves, knowing something was wrong, the 3rd doctor told us his bowels would have most likely perforated and he would have died. He is a fighter, because he had to be. All kids have reasons and there is always a “why” beneath their behavior. Parents need to be the detectives. Importantly parents need to love their kids and meet them where they are at with safe relational presence and connection. It matters.
