He is having a hard time, not giving us a hard time

 FB memory Oct. 9, 2016

After what seemed to be a really good start to our day,  the pizza i make over 20times a week because thats what he eats was not made right according to Ty- ."too much sauce and the cheese doesnt go all the way to the edge"       

And so it got dumped on the floor of the family room. And his BIG cup of water also got dumped onto the carpet.....,seriously???  All i can say is WTF?   I hate Autism ...

FB memory Oct. 9, 2016.   (Later that day)

And there goes the clean laundry.....wish i could be inside his mind for just one minute....to better understand what the REAL frustration inside him is about. 

Funny thing, at least he didnt attack me....because that is the Autism many of us deal with.   Sigh......

FB memory Oct 9, 2013

Happiness is hearing my little guy in the kitchen, talking through the recipe for pizza crust.  Listening to him read it and hearing him say "thanks" to Sarah when she offered information on where the oil is. 

 It's these moments that we treasure!

Ahhhhh.....

I do like seeing when memories like this pop up.  It is the reminder of how far our family has come.  It is the reminder that we tried our best.  We tried to provide a loving safe and compassionate home for all our kids.  It was never easy, but is parenting ever easy?

We made the best with the cards we were dealt.  Always trying to make the most of every situation.  Always knowing the bad moments would end, and celebrating with glee the moments like in the memory from 2013.  Those are seared into my memory.  I try to keep those amazing memories front and center in my mind.  My kid is no longer a little boy.  He is a man.  I remember when he was younger and how much him turning 10 scared us.  We just could not even imagine what things would be like when he was 10.  Now he is 16.  I could never have predicted the trajectory of our life, his life.  Looking back at the laundry thrown everywhere, but it was a behavior that he didn’t attack me.  Or the pizza and his very high need for it to have been just right, and when he felt it wasn’t, it was tossed.  Again, food thrown, water everywhere, but he did not attack me.  Those years were incredibly hard.  We were in constant search for the why!   That was always our number one question, why????

We did know a part of the why.  And we were right all along.  We ultimately did trust our instincts.  Following his lead, gaining his trust, meeting him where he is at any moment of time. Recognizing his subtle cues before the explosion.  Lowering demands.  Understanding when he is struggling that he isn’t in control and he isn’t doing it on purpose.  Being present with him to enjoy the happy moments like when he and Sarah were in the kitchen together, and being present with him when he is struggling and not in control of his self like the memories in 2016.  This lens change allowed us to see our boy as a boy who is having a hard time and needs our support and compassion.  Rather than a boy who is being intentional with his behavior and is in control.  He is not giving us a hard time.  

It makes a big difference.  He still has hard times.  But we know when this happens, he needs us to support him with our connection, co regulation, and our compassion.