Mother's Day sadness

Why do I dislike Mother's Day so much? It definitely feels like a slap in the face at times. A reminder of how different our world is- which under all other circumstances I've accepted, I take joy and pride in how we embrace "our world" and make the most of every single little thing and moment given to us. And I feel pretty damn proud of it.

So why after Mother's Day, and on Mother's day do I just feel so absolutely worthless?

As if the societal standard of a "good mom" is what I actually measure myself by. Which the other 364 days out of the year, I don't. So why on this 1 day out of the year, I fall into this trap of "happy go lucky, all things awesome, yay life is grand all the time" crap? My dear friend suggested I avoid FB. She's so right. And again, I know better. I know that those are just snap shots of time and no one has a "perfect life". But why do I let myself go down this road of even allowing myself to feel sad this day- it's just a day, just like any other day.

But then I realized. When little one and I were at the grocery store, doing the shopping for the week, everyone asks you- "how's your Mother's Day going?" "Feeling spoiled today?, "did you do anything special for your Mother's day today?", and on and on. And I guess this is where it's hard. It's a different response than my usual basic "how is your day?" kind of questions. Those get my simple "oh fine" response. No need to elaborate, no need to tell others about how my day is really going. I know no one wants to actually hear how my day is. It's just polite small talk. But on Mother's day- it's a bit more specific.

"Oh, did your kids make you breakfast in bed?"; "Having a special meal cooked for you?"; "Get taken out somewhere special?"

All reminders that- this doesn't happen, never will happen, and my reality is not one others like to hear about.

It's a reality of an extreme Autism family where leaving our home environment is just TOO MUCH for my son, and we never leave as a "family". It just doesn't happen.

I didn't even get to eat dinner last night because upon returning from an event the boys went to, my little boy came home, was upset over pretty much everything he noticed,(this is the fall out of an overwhelming, over stimulating environment and he began behaviors that quickly escalated to him swinging items and threatening - his world was crashing down around him now that he was home and he couldn't stop it.

So the end of my day was spent in tears- it was just the reminder that even on a calm day, how in the blink of an eye it can just crumble to pieces. Reality is I'm not sad for me. I'm sad that I am so helpless in these moments to help my son. I'm sad that my girls are constantly affected by the behaviors and miss out on a lot because of what our reality is. And for some reason, Mother's Day always just makes me feel sad.