Yes, I've been avoiding you!

I've been avoiding you! I've been completely trying to stay away from this

this place where I can put my thoughts in perspective

put my happy and sad feelings down

a place to let it out whether it be good or bad

But definitely been avoiding you!

Why?

Because sometimes it's just too hard

too hard to put into words what I'm feeling

whether it be good or bad

The feelings of some moments hopelessness

and the next moment of joy and some light at the end of this very very dark tunnel

Can you see why I"ve been avoiding you now?

This roller coaster of emotions is so exhausting, so draining, and sometimes (okay a lot of the times)

it's just simply easier to just stuff it all way down deep, and well, just be in the moment at that moment, nothing more, nothing less!

Avoiding feelings, absolutely

The minute I have wonderful happy joyous feelings, before I can even process them, we're back to a difficult moment, full of rage, anger and hurt!

This is why I've been avoiding you!

It's so hard to be so proud one moment and then in a blink of an eye, something else happened (that of course no one has a clue about except my little boy) and now his world just collapsed and he is taking everyone down with him

We've experienced some really really amazing proud moments, moments full of surprise, full of new, full of laughter and smiles

And we've also experienced, some very very difficult moments, full of rage and anger and hurt!

And I try not to, but it is really hard many times to move past that difficult moment straight into the happy moments!

How does he do it? How does he jump from one extreme to another, literally in a blink of an eye, without processing, without much thought, without recognizing what that did to the person involved, how does one move past the bad straight into the good and not feel resentful, or angry themselves?

This is what I struggle with ... whether it be directed towards myself or the girls!

Personally I find it easier to move past it when it's directed at me, but the intensity towards the girls, it's frustrating, it's sad, and it makes me feel helpless to protect them physically and emotionally

And physically he's not aggressive towards them, it's just if they "get in the way" of one of his bad moments of throwing something

but many times especially towards Sarah lately, he emotionally can be so hurtful- and yet in a moment later, want so desperately to gain her attention, to engage in an activity, to participate in something with her... without even realizing a little bit what his actions moments before do to her, and how that affects her

and as amazingly forgiving as that little girl is, (she truly is an amazing little sister)

it's heartbreaking to see the hurt he can cause her, and then want so badly to play with her

and if I can hardly process these strong feelings quickly, how can she?

And yet many times, she does!

She too wants to feel accepted and loved by her big brother, and we do talk about his struggles, why he does some of the things he does, and how she can help him by her response.

Did I mention how amazing she is?

Anyway, the day to day over here is one of surprise usually

one that in a moments notice will change

one where I have absolutely no control over what will come

and I guess these days I feel a bit on edge because of it

One where I never know how he'll respond to anything at any given moment

HE is so reactionary and it can be with great joy that makes him smile

or one that is with despair and frustration and anger

So, yes I've been avoiding you... sometimes it's just hard and I have to just get through the day

the moment, and breathe

I just don't have room right now to fully process all the good and all the bad

these are my issues.... I'm not good with this huge range of emotional roller coaster

It is hard..... but I count my blessings of all the good we've seen lately

and pray and want to believe that all the difficult times too are a lesson and will pass..... but lately

It makes me wonder what our future holds...... and that scares the crap out of me. So I'm going to avoid it and stay present...... for my own sanity and I definitely don't want to miss out on any of the good that I know will happen!