With that obviously will come some difficult "moments"... as there have been today, but one notable moment today which was ALSO pretty amazing was he and I took Oliver (our little dog) and Gretchen for a walk to the park.
We were hoping the tennis courts would be available for us to let them off leash to play. We were prepared with tennis balls, and a frisbee. I was looking forward to some "off leash" time, Ty was looking forward to playing with the dogs. My mistake was "planning on going there to play in the tennis courts.
What ended up happening, was not that. The little preschool that is located there let out right when we arrived, and kids running everywhere, including in the tennis courts. I anticipated they wouldn't be long and suggested we wait- take a walk around the loop- and he, thought disappointed and beginning to get angry, agreed.
We enjoyed the walk around the loop and the kids were still playing by the time we got back around. Yes, this did start to cause some steam from his ears... so as quick as that I distracted him by running through some commands with Gretchen. Took his mind off the tennis courts for just a blip of a second..... then the kids started to leave.
We thought- great- our turn! Except, yep you guessed it- someone rode up on their bike ready to play tennis!
UGH.. seriously-
how much more can I throw my son's way- really- after all this distracting, his trying his hardest to be patient, and now we won't get a turn!! :( So, what happened next you wonder? Well, some yelling, some verbal insults (as we call them- thank goodness this kid doesn't actually know any "real" swear words... I know it's a just a matter of time-) anyway, back to Ty and his reaction.
He was mad, he was furious, he blamed me, he literally didn't know what to do with himself.
He simply didn't know how to handle this unexpected event that is now causing us to change our plans.
I basically ignored him, I helped him by giving him the words to help him express his anger and frustration at the situation....
for example-
Mom I"m so mad.
Mom I really wanted to play with the dogs.
Mom do you think we could come back another time.
Mom I'm so disappointed we don't get to play.
I do this as a coaching tool to help give him the words to express how he's feeling.....
he lacks the skills and the tools to do this himself... to him - he's either happy or mad.
Nothing in between! This certainly makes "coping" much more challenging when you don't know how to properly respond to any given situation... this is what his world is.
Lots of situations that he doesn't properly process to then have an appropriate reaction..... he typically over reacts to most situations... or he doesn't react (but this not so much- ).
Anyway- disappointed he was! So, I went about walking with Gretchen, practicing commands and at this point ignored his words and inappropriate response. (and his lashing out at me). I was hoping with some time, he would calm down so that we could come up with another plan. And after 7 or 8 minutes, he did just that.
He first started in with "you owe me.... blah blah blah" which is a pretty typical response from him- he feels cheated, he feels any circumstance that was not what he was expecting is our fault, therefore we "owe him"....
not sure where this all comes from- it's part of his OCD for sure.. I've posted in the past about "buy me" I want to buy" type behaviors..
. anyway- again- I ignored and went about my walking around with Gretchen... I could see he was calming down a bit, and then he simply asked, in a calm voice, "can we go to the Nugget to get lunch, maybe sushi?".......
I paused, I thought about it, and then I told him, yes, I could see how angry he was, how mad at the situation he had become,
and I also saw him finally take a pause before escalating it further, and simply ask about getting lunch. So, yep, let's get lunch... that in my book was an awesome reaction in the end, to a disappointing situation. I was very proud.
Now I do wish the rest of the day had gone equally as well as that moment- unfortunately it didn't...
but I'm listening and it means we 're doing too much!
Tomorrow, we'll stay home and work in the garden and enjoy the dogs here.
It's just what he needs!
But I can already tell how Gretchen is helping him "in the heat of the moment" when he usually loses it and lacks any reasonable reaction...
it's hard to stay so angry when a doggie is licking you like crazy..
. it seems to help him "snap" out of the moment, even if only temporary!
I think she's gonna work out great!
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