OKAY OKAY!!!! I get it... I really do! I know things have been busy. I know we have possibly put to many challenges in front of you. I guess one too many! This is exactly why this blog is called "Paradise in a bubble". Because for Ty- if we don't go anywhere, do anything, see anyone, keep his world closed up and air tight... he doesn't struggle. He exists and laughs. He is calm and engaging. This we have known since he was so small.
And now, clearly this week has been a breaking point for him. His ability to cope has left his being. I have known these last few weeks were going to be tough. So many new things with school starting for the girls. Back to school nights, soccer, other important meetings and events. And yesterday I heard him loud and clear.
It's too much. It's all too much. Of course not with words. That is where he struggles most. Being able to use language to convey and have meaning so others can understand. Nope, especially at this point.
It all became too much for him yesterday. Picking up sister from school, and we made a plan to get him french fries on our way to go pick up sister's cello from another school in town. He would stay in the car with Gretchen and eat his french fries, while I went and got it. This was the plan. He agreed to this plan. But sometimes or really a lot of the time, things do not go according to plan. I don't really know where things went wrong. If he didn't really understand this order of events, or he changed his mind. I have no idea. He doesn't say anything..... he probably didn't even know. But his frustration, sensory input, EVERYTHING got the best of him and he lashed out. While we were in the car. He has not done that in so long, I can't even remember the last time. My heart was breaking for him. He couldn't cope. He couldn't find a way to handle this frustration he was clearly experiencing. And my right arm was his target.
Pinches, scratches, nails dug deep into my skin. So deep it created welts up and down my arm. This is the autism that I hate. This is not a gift. My boy struggles so much to be in the outside environment. And we don't even hardly do anything. We pick up little sister from school(and yes we were going up to her classroom as with the start of the new school year, she has her own anxiety and fears). And then 2x a week we go to soccer, he is there with me for 15 minutes before dad comes and picks him up and he is then again rewarded with french fries (what is it with kids, Autism and french fries... this seriously needs to be researched ;) ) and then he and dad go home to carry on the routine of the late afternoon. This is it. This is what is creating this challenging environment that he is unable to cope with . We aren't going to the mall or any stores for that matter. We are not going to parties, to events of any kind, out in public even. I just wanted to pick up little one from school and be able to two times a week take her to soccer practice without Ty having too many issues. But after yesterday, and really the last few days leading up to yesterday, he has clearly spoken. Not with words. He doesn't even know this happens to him. He goes from 0 to 60 so fast it's as if it startles him. It's the last straw that breaks the camels back- and he just flips.... there is no conscience thought here. To him he jumps straight to fight or flight response. No thought, no rational thinking... pure survival.
My poor boy is suffering. I feel awful that I put him in this prolonged situation to the point he couldn't handle it and he hurt me. He doesn't ever want to hurt me. I truly believe that. But when your body goes straight into surivival mode because everything outside your own body feels like it is assulting you, one reacts with pure instinctual survival. His body is under attack and he has to fight or get out of there. Yesterday instead of running away and putting himself in danger, he fought. He fought me.
So we need to zip up this bubble. He needs a break from all things. Problem is, it feels so difficult to do. I have to get sister from school. She has practice (and yes this is the struggle of having one that struggles so much to leave our home and yet still have 2 girls that need to be out in the world. Experiencing playing soccer, making friends, enjoying school, free time activities... everything. And today I sit here, wondering how I'm going to do this. Meet Ty where he is, help settle his nervous system to a place where he can breathe and exist all the while meeting the girls needs, and supporting them and giving them opportunities to grow and enjoy things that life has to offer. It just feels impossible today.
But I really have no options or choices. Not when he isn't being safe in the car and hurting me. I have to listen. I have to change things. We have to change things. We have to get back on track and that clearly means taking several steps backwards. But it is what it is. It sucks. But this is how things are. My boy is struggling, we need to listen and support him. No matter what that looks like. No matter how "inconvenient", no matter anything.
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