In that moment, they were happy.......

After the rough start to the day, I feel confident enough at 8:45pm that we will be ending this day on a joyous note!

The day was full of smiles, and I had 3 motivated children to "clean " the house so we could maybe put up the Christmas tree early.......boy Thanksgiving is late this year!

With them highly motivated, they were also successful, so I followed through on my part to get the tree out of the shed, and move furniture around so we can put it up!

What is it about a Christmas tree, lights, ornaments, that puts everyone at least temporarily into a good mood!

And it seems to weird doing it before Thanksgiving... but as this is day 2 of holiday vacation for the kids, it's not easy keeping them occupied, especially one sweet boy!

So we broke with tradition and put up the tree today.... and to watch them each ooooh and ahhhh over the ornaments that they remember from year's past, well, let's just say it's almost a tissue moment.

I loved it, and I love watching them talk about memories, and sweet moments of Christmas years past.

It's pretty amazing, considering what most of our day to day life is like.... but for that moment..... I just was glowing with the idea that right now in this moment, my kids are happy! That's pretty awesome!

Feeling frustrated

After what was a great day in the works, baking pies with all three of my kids-

each having a different role in the process, we were all smiling, enjoying each others company, talking about the holidays

it was a great day for most of it.

But I'm feeling frustrated because as great of a day as it was, it turned so sour last night.

A Sour that takes over all the goodness that did happen. A sour that makes us angry and reminds us we really have no control as parents.

That sucks!

An obsessive thought was intruding in his brain, taking over his calm self, taking over his ability to cope

And just when you think things have consistently for the most part been staying in this pretty amazing place, a place where we are breathing, a place where we are laughing, enjoying our moments, watching our kids interact together in such a positive way.

But there is always this lingering thought of when will this ride end?

What will be the "thing" that sets him off and he can't come back from?

He was up at 1:00am, went back to sleep around 2:30am, woke up again at 7:30am.......... and then BAM!

Started all over again.

Last night ended pretty bad, he just couldn't snap out of it, he couldn't pull himself back, and it continued until he fell asleep FINALLY!

It's going to be a long day if it continues. So far, after some behaviors early this morning, he did finally settle into the hammock, and seems to be calm right now.

By that I mean, not wanting anyone around, but that's okay!

It will be a bit of a walking on egg shells kind of day, but that's what has to happen to help so things to erupt.

He's like a volcano just smoldering, and then in another second boom!

But if we can just keep him at the smoldering state, then the day will be okay!

But I hate that a bad night seems to erase the amazing day we had.

But it's because the "bad" is "bad"......

and it's so trying not just as parents, but as people. And we see how amazing he is, and the kid he really wants to be..... but damn these OTHER THINGS just take over and don't allow him to just BE!

I want our good moments to define him, not a moment like last night..... and honestly it tells me we have things happening in his environment that he isn't handling, that are causing over stimulation to his brain, that are causing a disorganized brain that can't get a grip.

So today will be a hard working day to try and minimize what I see as potential triggers.

To minimize too many challenges right now because he's regressed and isn't in the same place he was even just yesterday - his body is feeling challenged, so we have to meet him where he is, and where he is at the moment... not where he was 10 minutes ago, or 12 hours ago, or 4 days ago.

We need to meet him where he is in the moment and try to help him through it.

Wow, this seems so simple as I write this....... and I guess in my calm mind I know this to be true, but the problem is when he elevates, it's a lot to stay calm ourselves. And especially elevates to aggressive behaviors, it's really hard to not react or to simply respond in the way our rational brain knows we need to help him.

But let me tell you, in the moment is a whole different thing. In the moment makes all this 100x harder, and it just sucks!

But as he just laid down, at my feet, obviously tired, curled up in a ball, I'm hopeful that his body will rest, and when he wakes up be more organized and the rest of our day will be all about purposeful activities to help better organize, and calm his entire being.

At least I hope so!

Do I have to get my button changed?

Do I have to get my button changed?

This is Ty's question to all things whenever something isn't the way it's supposed to be(according to his logic).

It's so sad, he hears Brian and I talking, and instantly says, Do I have get my button changed?

He came over to me this morning to tell me his button is oozing, I tell him it's okay after I just check it, and he instantly say's, Do I have to get my button changed?

This is something that is always at the top of his think tank, always present, always a concern, always in control of him.

And there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.

This is his reality, this is his routine, this is something he will have to deal with the rest of his life.

Can you imagine always having something like that that is always an ever present thought, that the minute something is out of sorts, your mind instantly goes there and tells you there's a problem?

It's not easy trying to understand it. It's confusing, it's complicated, it's something that causes him great distress.

And there isn't anything we can do about that.... other then listen to him, console him when he's upset, help him try to understand (the best we can), and help calm his fears.

It's always a presence, he's always reminded about it when it's around 7:00PM, it's after dinner, and it's time to go sit on the potty.... it's a part of him like any other part of his body.

but yet even though it's been 4 1/2 years, it's still just as foreign to him as the day he got it.

I do wonder if he will ever fully accept his button, ever understand it's purpose and importance, and ever realize how critical it is for his life?

.......

1:30AM wake up call

A 1:30AM wake up call from our little guy this morning. And for some reason, I just couldn't fall back asleep.

My mind started wondering, well, actually worrying is a better way to put it.

I could hear him moving about the house, I could hear him in the kitchen, I didn't know what he was up to!

I didn't want to get up, because I knew that would break up his usual middle of the night routine. It's wake up, get food (99% of the time a bowl of instant oatmeal), watch video in front of little heater fire place thing,

about 1 to 2 hours later, go back to bed.

This is pretty much ideal..... because we've had months and months of him waking up that early, and then waking everyone else up... which is not fun!

So for him to just be awake and do his thing, well, other then us wanting him to sleep, which we have absolutely no control over, it's pretty much the next best thing.

But in my woken middle of the night brain mode, I got myself all worried for some reason. Of course it really wasn't rationale.

But at the same time it's not that far fetched from our experiences in the past, not the long ago past.

So it was hard to get back into sleep mode.

I obviously eventually did, but not a very good one... more like sleeping with one eye open- which I kind of do most of the time anyway- it's just how things are here!

Love when old things become new again....

I hate the way I got out of bed this morning.

Ty yelling, Megan yelling, running around, screaming at each other, then at me.

Why? Who cares, I hate having to get out of bed to settle a dispute.

But moment is passed and I'm listening to them gleefully having fun playing Wii sports.

That's there old new thing. We've had Wii for years, and I guess it's that time of year, we are outside less, it's cold, it's been really windy, so I'm so happy they are playing Wii.

It's good for them. And I love that they are playing TOGETHER!

That makes me a proud mama!

A bad moment, is just that, one moment

Well, we had a pretty amazing moment last night.........

pretty amazing indeed!

They actually played a game, had fun, were within "touching" distance......

which in itself is amazing because well, let's just say being in the same room usually causes an uproar!

So this moment made me one proud mama!

Now another moment earlier in the day, one that was not so good, one that was out of anger

my little guy had a moment of lack of control over his mind and body and began to throw objects at me, which I was by the computer, therefore, object hit the computer and well...

we now have a non functioning computer! UGH

I hate when moments like that, which are truly just a moment in the day, but now we are a bit screwed because not everything on that computer was backed up... many of my photos, certain files, etc... you know-

way too much important information in a blink of an eye now completely inaccessible

and to say my husband is not pleased, okay actually freaking out- well YEAH!

because this one moment is now going to cost us A LOT OF money to try and remedy, if we can even fix this problem.....

oh the things that get broken, damaged, destroyed, torn up, in a moment of anger, rage, frustration.

I just look around my desk while I type this new post, and I see one, two, three, four, five.... broken items.... that I keep.... some of it is very special things to me, some of it I hope to "repair" at some point, some of it just now is garbage, which at one point was something I treasured, but in a moment became trash.

Those are sad moments..... and like yesterday's sad moment, it occurred in a blink of an eye, a flip of a switch,

and they suck because absolutely nothing we can do about it.....

I have holes in my bedroom wall and bathroom door, a hole in our kitchen wall, things put away because they wouldn't be safe to have out, and I used to keep most things away... but honestly I was tired of not being able to have "my things" out on display

it's one thing when they are little, but you look forward to those days where you can have more of a grown up house, with treasured items, with keepsakes, with things that I like for my house.

I know I could put EVERYTHING away, but I've come to the conclusion that is not living, it's not the way I want to live my life, it's not being very present, waiting for the day when I can bring my special things OUT of hiding...

That's just not want I want to do, it's not how I want my life to be defined... so I take the chance, I risk things, I hope and sometimes I'm disappointed, but honestly-

it's good for him to see my disappointment and sadness when he breaks something of mine in that moment of anger

it's good for him to eventually see what his actions have caused, what emotional response someone else has to his action.

When the sad/bad moment is over, he is affected by my sadness, he is affected by my clear disappointment that something of mine was destroyed....

can I get it back, no

can I replace it, sometimes but usually not

but when you have a child who has been so emotionally empty, emotionally unaffected, but is growing emotionally, learning about emotions, then honestly that by far is way more important than any item, thing, object,

I guess that's how I look at it....... and sure it sucks, but there are lots of things in this world that suck, and if it's one more way we can help our child, help him to understand (even if just partially understand) how his actions affect others,

well, that is just awesome!

So, computer may be broken, hope we can recover our data, but like all the other bad moments, it's just a moment and we have already moved onto the next moment.

Which he just woke up from a nap and told me about a dream he had.

A dream that he say's I made an awesome outdoor shower.

What's amazing about this?

Ty NEVER tells us about his dreams, he says he doesn't dream, (or he just never remembers them).....

But in this moment, he shared with me a moment of happiness he experienced in his dream.

Awesome!

My affirmation for the day........

What a wonderful day Ty and I had together yesterday..... full of togetherness

full of compromise, turn taking, and just existing and being present!

Sarah was home early from school and she and I made dinner together

She is a lot of fun in the kitchen! And amazingly helpful!

The day continued on in a good way, it ended in a good way....

And today started early, 4:00am with brownie crumbs all over the carpet

but things were okay..... just doing the things we need to do in the morning to get everyone off to work and school

and things continued to be doing fine, until he snapped!

Something out his DS and internet, and blah blah blah.. not sure and then the throwing began

and more throwing of objects at me, and the computer (which BTW seems to be having trouble now, not the one I'm currently using- but my computer- ugh!)

more objects to throw, him laying in "fight position" me reminding him of our lovely talk we had yesterday regarding his question "why do you have to pin me down?"

that's what he calls restraint, which I reminded him it's when his body is out of control and he is either going to hurt himself, or one of us, or he is going to be destroying our property!

It was a nice conversation and I was able to remind him, since he was in such a nice calm state, that we wouldn't have to do that if he stayed in control of himself and his behavior and when asked to go to the hammock or dog bed to "calm down" and he followed through with the request- then he doesn't need restraint....

I hate restraint.... he's getting so big that it's so hard, and really you're supposed to have 2 people - but I"m home alone so what option.

Yep, locked myself in rooms many times, yep, called Brian home because I couldn't gain control of him, and yep every avenue possible is explored in a blink of an eye and the quick check of the situation and what's the best scenario for me to be safe and for him to be safe......... I'm almost certain most other people have no idea what this is like.

What it's like to have a child who can rage and become so aggressive and destructive...... usually in a blink of an eye!

To say it's hard and sucks, just doesn't even come close!

And yet, underneath all of that is this most amazing intelligent gifted, boy

who we love and adore, but those behaviors are hard to deal with!

So, back to today after a wonderful yesterday........ yep, objects, kicking, and me trying to gain control of him to stop further behavior

Yes, ultimately things calm down, ultimately he's remorseful, ultimately he just fell asleep!

But I have to admit, after something like this, I"m mad!

'm frustrated, I'm sent right back into a bad place because I almost feel tricked!

He's in a good place today, why is he doing this?

Why did he flip, and there was no indication, no subtle hints to say "he's off a bit"

nothing...... and I guess the no warning is hard for me.... it catches me off guard, and I like to let my guard down!

Living with my guard up is awful, not natural, and exhausting........ and it's not good for me or anyone else in my family!

but I have to admit, it makes getting through a situation like the one that came up this morning, easier (if I can even say easier!)

I think it has to do with the jump in emotion, jump into a mode that is a bit like survival myself.... do what I need to to protect myself, my son, our belongings, (which is so not that important but at the same time it escalates behaviors if we don't try to eliminate property destruction..... )

bottom line.... I hate it, I hate when behaviors over take him, I hate that he struggles so much and I can't do a damn thing about it 98% of the time... why was he mad?

I don't know....

and nothing is ever worth the reaction that he has!

But it's over, I will let it go

I will continue on with the day as if it didn't happen, we will bake some bread today, we will play games, we will interact and laugh today!

We will move to the next moments and not look back

we will do out best to enjoy the rest of our day, together!

Because, it was just one moment out of many many....

and I will do my best to not let it distract me from enjoying the good moments with my little guy!