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My Paradise in a Bubble: Understanding the WHY!

Monday, February 8, 2021

Understanding the WHY!

 Institute of Child Psychology -

All behavior is communication. Slow down and ask yourself what your child’s behavior is telling you. When we work with the underlying need, we create long-term solutions instead of quick, temporary fixes.





This is it, right here!  Why!!  This is the only question we need to seek information about.  When behaviorism says “who cares about the why, we need to stop the child from doing x, y or a; or when teachers say “I don’t care about why, just make it stop it is disrupting the class” we only create more issues for the child because the why is what drives what we see.


If we look at it through a compassion based lens, of what does this child need, rather than through a compliance or manipulation lens, this is when we see the child.  Not the child who isn’t following directions or is “acting out” but the child who has no other way to communicate distress he is experiencing.  It is a stress response that drives the child.  When we see that they are having a hard time, not giving us a hard time, we see them as needing us.   Needing our comfort, our safety our connection.  Yes it can be inconvenient.  Yea it can be disruptive.  Yes it can be exhausting.  Yes it can be so hard.   Imagine how hard and exhausting no scary it is for the child?   Our children do well if they can.  If they can’t, we need to figure out the why not!   


My son at age 16 still cannot tell me the why beneath his “behaviors”.  By the time we see the behaviors, he is already dysregulated and in his downstairs brain experiencing great distress.  The only thing I can do in this moment is be present.  Be calm be still be with him.  Nothing I could say would ever help in this moment.  But what we try to do, is meet his needs, support him and continually co regulate and importantly notice the signs of distress before they go all the way.  Sometimes, it is a simple request I have, and if he screams immediately back at me, ok that was 0-60 and means drop the demand and co regulate.  Our kids especially right now are experiencing overall so much stress.  The starting point is so much higher than it was pre pandemic and pre distance learning.  Which is exactly why we need to be really patient with our kids.  Our expectations cannot be what they were.  I know for myself, I have had to drop my own expectations for myself.  If the laundry doesn’t get folded, who cares.  The clothes are at least clean.  

Our kids need this same kind of empathy and compassion from us.  We need this kind of empathy and compassion for ourselves.  

We are our kids rock.  They need us now more than ever.  Even our older kids.  The best thing we can do, is understand the why when we see a behavior and be present and connect with our kids.  It really is that simple.  

I love the saying “when our kids are at their worst is when they need us the most”- Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.

This is so true which is why self care is so crucial.  Because I know first hand, if we are too dysregulated, and our child becomes dysregulated, it is a whole hot mess of elevated toxic stress and emotions.   Which is not good or helpful for anyone.  But remember, our kids are still developing.  They need us, the adults to be the solid reliable calm present safe space.  If we can’t provide them this, the world becomes even more frightening for them.  


So do what you need to to take care of you.  Go for a walk, take 5 deep breaths and exhale slowly, drink a glass of water, listen to music, splash water on your face.   Do whatever you need to in order to be the regulated, calm  and loving caregiver i kids need us to be so that they can be their best selves.

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