DIR floortime and development

 Excellent interview with Dr. Serena Weider, founder of DIR-floortime therapy.

Her book was recommended to us when our son was 4-5.  It became the foundation we used to measure all other “therapies”.  It felt right because it was all about engaging with him on his level and was based on relationships and secure attachment.  (We found Dr. Sears attachment parenting books a very useful resource as we were starting our family....so this set the foundation years before). So DIR floortime was like an extension of this idea of prioritizing the relationship, following our child’s lead to meet their needs and connecting on our child’s level. 

This interview with Dr. Weider is amazing. I was reminded of what to do when ABA was a complete failure and left my son (and me) traumatized.  I remembered to see my son where he is developmentally.  We needed to meet him where he was at.  He was 11, but that was not where he was developmentally.  The next few years, I sat on the floor with him, watched him play his legos, creating worlds and expressing ideas and thoughts through his play.  I treasured the moments he invited me to participate. I followed his lead.  I responded to his needs.  I placed no demands or expectations on him.  He didn’t yet have the skills to move to the next level.  I had to respect this.  We shared playtime.  We engaged in play together.  I learned so much about him.  How he sees his world.  His experiences were expressed in a healing way through his play.  

The next few years were all about meeting his needs.  Following his lead.  Engaging together.  Experiencing shared moments of joy.  Healing through connecting.      

So when I watched this video, I wanted to share.  There are ways to help support our children who struggle.  We just need to be prepared to allow our children to guide us.  This is what they need from us.  

Development is a lifelong process

Play is children’s language

Play is the vehicle for learning

Development has its own trajectory

Relationships are the most critical form of supporting development 

https://youtu.be/PEcM-8_wpOY

https://youtu.be/PEcM-8_wp

Understanding the WHY!

 Institute of Child Psychology -

All behavior is communication. Slow down and ask yourself what your child’s behavior is telling you. When we work with the underlying need, we create long-term solutions instead of quick, temporary fixes.

This is it, right here!  Why!!  This is the only question we need to seek information about.  When behaviorism says “who cares about the why, we need to stop the child from doing x, y or a; or when teachers say “I don’t care about why, just make it stop it is disrupting the class” we only create more issues for the child because the why is what drives what we see.

If we look at it through a compassion based lens, of what does this child need, rather than through a compliance or manipulation lens, this is when we see the child.  Not the child who isn’t following directions or is “acting out” but the child who has no other way to communicate distress he is experiencing.  It is a stress response that drives the child.  When we see that they are having a hard time, not giving us a hard time, we see them as needing us.   Needing our comfort, our safety our connection.  Yes it can be inconvenient.  Yea it can be disruptive.  Yes it can be exhausting.  Yes it can be so hard.   Imagine how hard and exhausting no scary it is for the child?   Our children do well if they can.  If they can’t, we need to figure out the why not!   

My son at age 16 still cannot tell me the why beneath his “behaviors”.  By the time we see the behaviors, he is already dysregulated and in his downstairs brain experiencing great distress.  The only thing I can do in this moment is be present.  Be calm be still be with him.  Nothing I could say would ever help in this moment.  But what we try to do, is meet his needs, support him and continually co regulate and importantly notice the signs of distress before they go all the way.  Sometimes, it is a simple request I have, and if he screams immediately back at me, ok that was 0-60 and means drop the demand and co regulate.  Our kids especially right now are experiencing overall so much stress.  The starting point is so much higher than it was pre pandemic and pre distance learning.  Which is exactly why we need to be really patient with our kids.  Our expectations cannot be what they were.  I know for myself, I have had to drop my own expectations for myself.  If the laundry doesn’t get folded, who cares.  The clothes are at least clean.  

Our kids need this same kind of empathy and compassion from us.  We need this kind of empathy and compassion for ourselves.  

We are our kids rock.  They need us now more than ever.  Even our older kids.  The best thing we can do, is understand the why when we see a behavior and be present and connect with our kids.  It really is that simple.  

I love the saying “when our kids are at their worst is when they need us the most”- Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.

This is so true which is why self care is so crucial.  Because I know first hand, if we are too dysregulated, and our child becomes dysregulated, it is a whole hot mess of elevated toxic stress and emotions.   Which is not good or helpful for anyone.  But remember, our kids are still developing.  They need us, the adults to be the solid reliable calm present safe space.  If we can’t provide them this, the world becomes even more frightening for them.  

So do what you need to to take care of you.  Go for a walk, take 5 deep breaths and exhale slowly, drink a glass of water, listen to music, splash water on your face.   Do whatever you need to in order to be the regulated, calm  and loving caregiver i kids need us to be so that they can be their best selves.

Aggression.....what is it really?

 This is a great blog post (below) from Profectum Foundation.

 I would add what Dr. Ross Greene says, “kids do well if they can.  If they can’t, why not.”   We must identify and understand the WHY that lies beneath our kids behaviors.  What we see is the observable behavior, but under that tip of the iceberg are the numerous reasons that led up to what we actually see.  And the most important thing is only a calm regulated caregiver can calm a dysregulated child.  

In the moment, nothing but sharing calm matters (wish I knew this years ago).  We were told to ignore him, to restrain him, to punish.  This is exactly what NOT to do.  Our kids need us.  They need our connection and our sense of felt safety.  Their nervous systems have taken over and the only thing is to co regulate through loving connections and compassion.

Demystifying Aggression

January 13, 2020 Beth Arena Behavioral Challenges, Behavioral Health Specialists, Emotional Regulation and Development, 

Let’s Change the Dialogue Around Children and Revisit Development

Profectum Foundation

 

“Aggressive behavior at any age is challenging and distressing for parents, teachers, clinicians, and others, as well as for children themselves.

Sometimes we see it coming, sometimes not. Sometimes it is physical, and sometimes it is a threat or disparaging remarks. But we all know it is dangerous and damaging. Of course, our first step is to stop aggressive behavior and secure safety. But what we do next will depend on how we understand its meaning?

All behavior has meaning, and aggressive behavior is complex.

Thinking about it requires a multifaceted approach. All children experience anger, fear, anxiety and frustration, and vary in their capacities to regulate these big emotions, impulses and negative feelings. But not all children resort to aggressive behavior. Start by examining the development of self-regulation. Each child is born with individual differences in sensory motor processing, and have different physiological patterns of under, over or mixed reactivity to sensation, emotions, and stress in the environment.  The availability of caring relationships to support both emotional and physiological regulation in the face of environmental stress or trauma is essential.

Many external and internal emotional and physiological processes contribute to a child’s dysregulation.

Some are more evident than others and can be ascertained by examining the world the child lives in. Others require us we take a deeper look at the underlying causes or hidden triggers. High levels of arousal and perceptions of threat related to changes or transitions may be triggers. Here the meaning of threat to the child must be understood if we are to lower the anxiety and fear that propel the child into the behavior. The behavior may just be the tip of the iceberg.

Given the complexity, it is important to find one lens or perspective that is universal to anchor our understanding of aggressive behavior and ability to help.

And that is development. Not the silos of cognition, language, motor, social, etc., but the integration of all these aspects as they function simultaneously and are synthesized in the DIR ® Model (Developmental, Individual Difference, Relationship Model) created by Stanley Greenspan, MD and Serena Wieder, PhD.  Evaluating the child’s functional emotional developmental capacities, the “D” of the DIR® Model, allows us to identify the gaps that get in the way of regulation and shared attention. From the start of life regulation is embedded in the infant’s relations with parents as they connect around the need for regulation of feeding, sleeping, crying, temperature and self-soothing.  As the child develops, regulation of self-control, impulses, anxiety and the expanding range of emotions continue to be embedded in relational and physiological, as well as environmental and trauma factors.

To develop therapeutic strategies, look for the gaps in all functional emotional developmental capacities.

 Has he not learned to relate or engage warmly to other people or others have not related to him to build trust and security?  Perhaps he has not developed the continuous flow of interaction with others that support communication of feelings and problem solving. Or, he has not entered the world of symbolic function for the safe expression of big emotions and has not developed adequate understanding of what is real or not. If he has not learned to regulate or control aggressive impulses, he may lack the capacity to see his behavior has consequences for others and has not learned to empathize with someone else’s perspective. Targeting these gaps can guide therapeutic interventions to support the foundation necessary for mental health and behavioral regulation.”      

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