I just wanted it to be a teeny tiny bit simpler today.......

You know you are in a grumpy mood when things really aren't THAT bad of a day; but he won't stop talking, he won't stop "needing" something at every moment, he won't just relax, and you are being followed wherever you go!   So TIRING!

Not that he's been in that great of a mood himself.   Clearly he has some increased anxiety happening.  He's definitely struggling to engage.  But needs attention.  Not an easy combination.  And it's driving me crazy!!!

We had a tiny little, pretty much not really anything, outing today.  He asked about doing school work for french fries.  I thought I would use this situation to my advantage the best I can and in stead of doing school work (since I have nothing prepped right now) he could get french fries while we got Starbucks which is next door.  But that is technically a second stop.  That's 2 difference places, 2 different events, 2 different everything which is a big deal.

He agreed.  And it was the most frustrating afternoon once we established this was going to occur.  His anxiety went even higher, he was short with his patience, he definitely had cross words (clearly expressing anxiety).  It was really hard to watch, and it really gave me the indication that we shouldn't do this outing.  It's increased his anxiety and we haven't even left the house.  But once committed to the plan- there is no going back unless I"m totally prepared to deal with something that I really was not totally prepared to deal with.   Not that that stops me, but many times once we are out of the house- done with all the pre car anxiety, and actually driving- (he either plays with DS or listens to his own music on his MP3 player) and things calm down. 
But my goodness, it shouldn't be so damn stressful just to go get french fries and starbucks.  It shouldn't be so damn stressful to just walk out the front door and simply get in the car.  UGH...

See this is how I know I"m in a grumpy mood.      Because of course I know it's very hard.  Of course I recognize the challenge that this simple act does to him.  Of course I realize I am doing exactly what causes his anxiety to be worse.  And it is the first time really in quite sometime this summer that we have been out in the car (especially because little sister came with us). 

When we were picking up little sister from school everyday and going to Guitar lessons once a week- it had dramatically improved.  Simple, short, routine established (which this is very very critical in this game of life with Autism), and with the proper supports, the routine much more established, expected, and predictable- he did great this past school year.

So I know I need to be way more patient with him.  I know it was a hugely big deal that we did this.  I know it was hard for him.  And I know my grumpiness only makes things worse for him.  But my goodness, some days I don't want it to be a circus act of chaos just to go out of the house.  Our everyday is already so hard and this makes things even harder!  It's just never easy or simple- and today I wanted it to be just a teeny tiny bit simpler!   Just once!   Is that too much to ask?????  lol  I guess it is!  :)

Five minutes of being a family!

He did it.  He got through, we got through the week of basketball camp.  Successfully!
He was exhausted by the end.  He did struggle.  But no major behaviors, no hitting, no throwing, no property destruction, no running away. 
He expressed some verbal aggression, and as much as that sucks and it's frustrating- he never escalated it!   I'm still amazed.  I"m so proud. 
It definitely helped that the house was pretty quiet most of the weekend.  Big sister was very busy with the opening weekend of the musical theater she is in.  Plus little one and I went to see and I had to work one of the shows.   Keeping home environment as calm and people free helps a lot!
And now here we are, August 1.  Girls start school at the end of the month.  Ty, I have no idea where things will fall with the current situation we are in legally.  (can't say more right now- other than he was kicked out of the independent/homeschool charter school program we were in and doing so well last school year).... so I have no idea what will play out for his schooling.  Beyond frustrating- it is always good to have our plan when starting- it allows me to prepare him.
But August 1-  summer moving as swiftly as ever.  This is typically the month that things settle, things finally feel like they are in a solid groove, Ty thrives more at this point of summer break.  It's always been this way since I can remember.  Even before he was Dx with Autism.  It just was a smoother month than others.  And then BAM
School starts up again, things get more hectic, and our very short lived peaceful time (peaceful for us anyway) is over.  I have never really looked forward to school starting back up- seems to be the only month, August, that has brought some happy times for our family.  (Typically anyway) It's a weird thing..... it's tough when so many others, naturally our out exploring during these vacation days.  Sightseeing, exploring, traveling, even just staying up late, watching movies, hanging out with friends, simply allowing summer break to be a calm and peaceful and fun time. 
For our family, it's anything but.  Oh believe me, I have had my own ideas of what would be fun.  I simply was hoping to be able to go the local u pick farm and pick blackberries.  Never really felt there was a time he could handle it.  I was also hoping to just  drive to the farm and buy some melons- that would be considered an outing.  But again, definitely not as a family, definitely not with big sister, and really I have to weigh the pros and cons of him getting in the car, with little sister and mom, driving more than a mile.  These types of events usually bring on severe anxiety, behavioral issues, and riding in the car with his sister is anything but easy.  Serious rules to avoid outbursts.  It got much better this past school year.  But it's a very short distance coming home.  No talking, period.  He typically starts demanding something, like french fries, starbucks just because.  Even when that was "not part of our plan" which I so clearly laid out from the beginning.  We would go from point a to point b and then home.  My expectations are always clearly communicated of what I expect in the car.  (and yes this has to occur every time we get in the car- otherwise, oh boy.... )
Anyway- just simple things can be a nice change of pace.  Like last night- we had almost 5 minutes of the 5 of us sitting in backyard, kind of chatting, just co existing.  It was nice- for most this moment would just be not even worth a mentioning.  To me, I enjoyed it more than anyone could every know.  It was 5 minutes where our family was able to be more like a family.  Even a few giggles.  (a rare photo of the 5 of us 3 years ago, I think)

That is definitely a highlight summer moment for me.  But it doesn't mean I don't get sad over the fact that only 5 minutes is all my family can handle to be together.  (it's just too overwhelming for Ty to be around everyone, especially when we are talking, engaging, and in the same space).  But the dogs helped bring us together, once again, in this moment and we had a moment.  Free of Autism, cecosotmy's, medicines, behaviors.  We had just 5 minutes of what felt like joyfulness! 
I don't want school to begin.  I don't want summer to end.  I want a few more chances to have a few more moments like we had last night.