Remember when......... not really!

I belong to a great FB group- and one person challenged everyone to post a picture of "their former selves".... meaning- so many of us have lost who "we are" along this really tough journey of special needs parenting, especially extreme Autism, severe Autism, whatever you want to call it. It's certainly more than "neurodiversity".....

Our everyday life is difficult. We don't get "breaks". Even the most basic of things are possibly triggers for aggressive behavior for our son.

So it was a neat idea to think about who I was "before"... before being consumed by this crazy autism world and medical world we now exist in.

I've learned so much about my self- things I would have never known if our situation was different. This is my trying to always find a silver lining among this chaos. The only really hard part is knowing how much my son suffers. There is no silver lining knowing this. But stealing happy moments from the bad one's is always my mission. And I think we do a pretty darn good job at it.

Anyway- This is what I posted on that site. Thought I would share here... it was nice to remember back when! It's just been so long that I"ve even been allowed to have my own thoughts. It's just how things are. And unless you live this - you can never understand it. I truly would never wish this on my worst enemy. It's the most cruel and unfair world- to see your child experience so much pain and anguish from the most simple of things...... eating, sleeping, enjoying nature... everything bothers him. Always has. And when you cannot communicate when things "bother you" or even cause pain... what do you do? One would try really hard to communicate somehow, someway... no matter what that looks like. Including hitting the people you love, or yourself, or just running away from it all.

So - here is circa 1985. Denmark. My soccer team just one this huge international soccer tournament. We were the first American team to win it EVER! It was a pretty big deal.

from FB post:

" love all of these... I don't have much on the computer to upload- but found this one- I was only 15-(same age as my oldest) traveled to Europe with my soccer team (not my parents).... for almost 6 weeks- traveling around playing soccer- and we won a huge international soccer tourney... sports were my life and my husband and I were so active...biking, hiking, river rafting, exploring- now we can't even leave the house at the same time. Not where I thought we would be... coming up on our 18th anniversary next month-- we are certainly doing the best we can- we still like to dream about "one day"...... keeps us going"

Here is a picture on our Wedding Day... coming up on 18 years in August. We've been together for 21 years now- right from college... we jumped right into "the real world".... it's just how we both are. But we always put adventure in everything we did. Including going camping for our Honeymoon! It was always a fun twisted path we chose to take..... maybe it helped us for the adventures waiting to happen? Maybe? Or in reality nothing can prepare one for what we experience every day. But we enjoy our moments. It's sometimes all we have. I guess in reality- it's all every body has. We just choose to really emphasize the moments. For the sake of our girls and for Ty...... moments are what they will hopefully remember! (with happy memories)....

Picture order: Wedding Day 1998, Monterey, CA 1996, Bodega Bay 2015, Tahoe, New Years 1999