my reality check.....

Another sunrise, another coffee, girls off to school (however I wasn't able to take littlest), Ty taking his morning nap with the dogs. And I sit here, wondering, what will today be like? What will tomorrow be like? __________________________________________________________________________________________ In the summertime, it's easier to work things out. We don't have to be anywhere. I can easily arrange for things around Ty so that he doesn't have to leave the house. We know this about him- this is why this blog is Paradise in a bubble. __________________________________________________________________________________________ The teeny tiniest of "leaks" from this bubble, have caused this major disruption to his system. Cause him to be more agitated. Cause him to be more aggressive and angry and just plain dysregulated. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Why did I think this school year starting off would be any different then the time and time and times before? What was going to be different that in the blink of an eye, school starts and we are leaving the home environment to take little sister to school? _______________________________________________________________________________________ So my reality check today, not gonna happen! We can't allow these behaviors he's having to continue, it's too hard on all of us. It's exhausting. It's overwhelming. It's scary. It's dangerous. It has to stop. Well, two days now of not leaving for one minute our home environment. Other temporary arrangements for school drop off and pick up. ________________________________________________________________________________________ I miss being able to take my first grader to school. Have a few minutes with her inside her classroom. This is a moment that I pretend my life is "normal". By normal I mean, I'm able to leave my house with my family and enjoy time together and smile. By normal I mean, being able to eat a meal without the constant chaos and behaviors that interrupt almost nightly the dinner time we have together. By normal I mean, not being afraid that my son will flip out on anyone of us for what we see as no reason. We try to see the world through his lens- and I think we do a pretty good job at it. But one day it's this, one day it's that. It's a revolving door of what will set him off and how he will respond to "life" at any given moment. I want what most parents want- my kids to be happy and not have a family life that is in constant chaos and disarray. Never would I have dreamed this could happen to any family. We love our son, Autism and all his other issues. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Our reality of what happens day to day, minute by minute some days- it's like we watch him suffer and can't do anything about it. His true self is so locked inside his body and it's like winning the lottery to find the key to let "him" out. In one word, it's just not fair that my little boy has had to suffer so much in his life. And in his eyes, we only make things worse for him. But we continually remind him that we love him, we are very proud of him, we know how hard he works, and he is a good boy. __________________________________________________________________________________________ So my reality check is what my life is. I thought I was going to be able to "make it" different and take littlest to school and pick her up. But reality check, the cost is too high. Ty's body and mind can't handle it- and this is the result. My reality check, why am I surprised. We know this about him. Why would it all of a sudden be different. My fault- back to our bubble. And right now we are going to have to work really hard to get some sense of paradise back in the bubble. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ So I will sit, listen to my calming music, and get into my calm place so that I can tackle what ever life has in store for us today. I will stay calm, and be patient and help Ty restore his calmness and get back in tune with his body so that he can have a happy day where he can grow, thrive and smile. Wish me luck!