Covid-19, parenting, and special needs! Does it make you want to scream?

Covid, parenting and special needs!!!!   Does it make you want to scream?

You wouldn’t be alone!!

Our children are going through something that we, the adults don’t fully comprehend.  We are all learning how to manage together, rather than being able to be the guide for our kids.

Behavior is communication.  

So our job as the adult is to figure out what the child is trying to communicate.  

Sounds easier than it is of course.  

Part of this is also understanding that many of us have maintained an expectation level for our children from before Covid.  

But what about when we see an increase in behaviors, acting out, defiance, non compliance , these are all just words to describe “ a child is having a stress response “?  Then what?

Well, it starts with us, the adults to begin to think of of our kids as not misbehaving, but struggling.  This leads us then to see them as needing our help.  

This lens change to see them as struggling, and needing our compassion and empathy is a necessary step to move on to the next.  Which is, how do I best support my child?   

Parents need to understand that keeping the expectations on a child that were the same as pre covid, is a recipe for struggles and challenging behaviors.  

When children are struggling, they are not able to regulate their emotions as well, if at all.  They rely on us, the adults who love them to be the calm they they are struggling to find.  

Even for kids who never struggled before covid, parents report an increase in challenging behaviors from these kids.  That is why we see so many reaching out, looking for support, trying to understand what is going on with their child.  

What helps is to see a child through this lens of needing our help, not with judgement, and to recognize the need to lower the demand bar for this child.

Lowering expectations helps because these outward behaviors (also known as surface behaviors) are how our children try to tell us that they don’t feel they can meet this demand, expectation, and it is up to us the adults to help them co regulate.  

This means as adults we must be aware of our own regulation, be in a calm brain state, to be mindful of ourselves...because our children need to feel safe and need us to be this calm that they are struggling to find.  Adults are much more capable of recognizing their own state of regulation because our brains are more developed.  

For example,  a 10 yo childs brain is cycling in and out of brain states and does not have the maturity until almost the age of 25 to respond to stress with a logical approach and kids brains tend to respond with an emotional response.  This is all normal.  However when a parent sees unusual behaviors, struggles that are worrying, it is a signal.  This is happening for so many families because this pandemic has thrown our entire world as we all knew it into a storm that just keeps spinning and spinning with no end in sight.

Lowering expectations, connecting even more with your child through activities, play whatever your child is playing and follow their lead, snuggles, reading, or just being present can make a huge difference to their feelings of safety.  Setting aside 30 min a day to connect with your child, even our older kids who think they don’t need this, will enjoy time with a parent and can help them manage the stress better.

Our kids world right now is out of control.  We know because as adults we feel it too.  Let them have control over things that make sense.  

Let them play, kids will usually express what they cannot verbalize through play.  

Most importantly our kids just need us to be there for them.  To be present is so important during these times.  And although I hear, “well I work, so I am always home, or always around, “  the reality is it is more important to actually be present with your child.  Being in the same space, house, etc isn’t the same as connecting, engaging, and being mentally present and available for your child.  

This is what will get both us, the parents and our precious children through this global pandemic.  Re evaluating priorities may be forced upon some of us, but it doesn’t mean we can’t learn how to best support our kids, and our families so that we all grow and thrive as families and as individuals.  

We all could use a lot more kindness, compassion and empathy to come out of this pandemic with a sense of renewal of the body, spirit and the mind.

Our kids will be okay if we model compassion and kindness.