Just don't have the energy

today, has been a long day so far.. and it's not even close to bedtime!

As good moments have happened

certainly some difficult one's as well!

And after being hit in the face last night - and yes of course he said he didn't mean to hit me in the face, but when someone throws something, it might end up being worse than what the person who was throwing the object had intended..... yes that happens... maybe someday that will register with him

But a stack full of paper cups at bedtime (after a good day too) just got to me!

I couldn't help but go to bed in tears, I was overwhelmed, I was tired, I was frustrated that his frustration about anything ends in an aggressive lash out, throwing objects

and although we've had good moments today, there was the "aggressive verbal lashing out" and quite honestly, it's tiring!

I just want one day, ONE DAY of no conflict, of no aggressive behaviors, of no verbal insults, unkind (okay mean, but we use the word unkind to show him kind words and unkind words.... )... but damn they are mean sometimes- why? Because he is constantly in this dysregulated state more than a regulated state

I feel like all my efforts, all our efforts, all the things we do just can't keep up with the pace of his growth, the pace of his anger, the pace at which his world spins

and where does that leave us?

Like I said, just one day of "nothing" and I quite honestly don't even know if that's possible!

and that is frustrating to me

as great as moments are- just one long 24 hour period of great moments is desperately needed right now... a long long moment to breathe, to relax-

to be present as a family!

and I'm not sure that is possible at this point.

Just feeling a bit sad today,

some days the constant aggressive, negative, anger fury gets to me... it's stressful constantly having to "tame""protect"distract""teach""change" the mood

and as many times today as I was able to turn him around- I guess I just don't have the energy and the day isn't over!

I will try to dig deeper for patience that I know must be in there, energy that must be stored way deep down for days like this

and let's hope he is able to better help himself the rest of the day as well!

Busy monday.......

Busy Monday morning.....

.volcano eruptions, then we made Pad Thai.

And with a full belly, he is asleep!

This.......:)

From Autism Discussion Page:

"You’re the teacher, therapist, coach and mentor!...........Teach by showing and “doing with”, rather than “telling”, and instructing.......... Learning through relating, is the key. It adds value to all that is done..........................

For those children who are hard to engage, find any and all ways to “be” together, in whatever he or she is doing throughout the day. If the child will not follow your lead, incorporate yourself in what your child is doing. Be together, hang together, and share the experience together..........

The world is your classroom, the lesson plans are nothing more than the normal daily activities that fill up your day."

So many led him wrong.....It's hard to trust

This was my post to a blog "Autism Discussion pages"..... on school difficulties

I love reading all these discussions pages he posts because quite honestly, it gives me the validation (not that I need much, but you know I am human) that we do know our child

we do know what's best for him

we have been steered so many wrong directions for so long

and where did it get us?

Well, somewhere that is far from where he needs to be!

And it's almost as if my thoughts, which can sometimes be hard to put into writing, can be hard for me to express, has always been pushed to the side, always diminished to "helicopter mom",continuously stuffed away by others

but in reality, we continue to be on the money, on the mark, right on, however you want to describe it

we have been ########## right every time!

So, I like reading these posts, that well, they do give me the validation that I sometimes need, especially during more trying times .... we as his parents have been put into the spot light- which is the last place Brian and I are comfortable

and put our selves out there to help our son

to try and get resources, to try and get him the help he so desperately needs

and our parenting has been constantly judged, criticized, continually looked out through a microscope

which by the way- is so hard

but if it meant getting the help necessary for our son- yeah, bring it on

and we stood up, we continue to stand up, we continue to question, we continue to scream from the top of our lungs-

and nothing will stop us, nothing will force us to stop helping our son!

So, yeah, I really like this post and question us, but never ever doubt us and what we know about our son and our willingness to help him no matter what!

sorry got side tracked... so here is my response to the original post

"love this.... and quite honestly the bigger issues we now continue to deal with my son started the minute he began pre school- age 4 when we didn't know have all the information we needed to better support him, no one trusted us as his parents and ignored all of our concerns- and now 6 years later, he isn't able to attend to school, and experienced so much trauma through all the "trials" that he isn't able to attend to much outside our home environment.... I do wonder what if he had all the right supports and resources from the beginning, would it have made a difference? I don't let myself go there very often as it's just really difficult to think it could have... we do what we need to do for him now, and things are done our way, his way, period.... it's just what he needs- and we are the only one's who understand that about him- it's hard to trust after so many led him wrong!"

This was the original post I posted my comment to

When you have problems processing multiple information simultaneously, have strong sensory issues, experience difficulty with co-regulating and feeling safe with others, fear uncertainty, and have a need to control the demands around you, school can be a very chaotic, overwhelming experience. Just making through a regular school day can be very taxing. It often takes numerous accommodations and supports to make the environment safe and accepting for the child. — from Autism Discussion Pages

A good day even with "eruptions"-

Although Sarah stayed home with bowel issues....we had a great day learning about volcanoes. We read a book. We watched 'how the earth was made volcanoes'.....and check out our volcano model that once dry we will paint and watch it erupt:)

. Oh and best part I didn't have to 'escape' the house once today due to behavioral over reaction. Yeah for a good day!!

Funny how even with eruptions, from Volcanoes - we had a good day..... what's different

hmm let me think, let me think

oh yeah...... OUR BUBBLE IS ZIPPED TIGHT!

PERIOD!

talk about just going back to what we know to help him

yep, back to our bubble, as hard as it may be at times- but minimizing all external stimulation, not going anywhere, not adjusting routine too radically

and then I have a boy who wants to engage, wants to learn, wants to participate, is happy, is kind, is just simply a little boy!

How the hell can anyone tell me we aren't doing the right thing for him based on this ... this is how it has been since he was literally a baby

and well.... it's simply what he needs right now...

in the future, who knows, but right now he is still unable to tolerate the external stimulation that life throws around everywhere....

today he and I will paint the volcano, we will read some "facts about Hawaii"- (this is my sneak in of learning... pretending I'm a teacher, we'll call this our "geography, geology, US History lesson" ... starting with Hawaii

heck today he wants to watch a documentary "How the Earth was made- Pompeii"

I mean seriously, how many 10 year old boys want to watch a documentary on Pompeii...... yeah my boy- and this is exactly what emerging curriculum is, exactly what child led learning is about- this is education - learning, and then wanting to learn more.... not traditional, but clearly traditional is a bit over rated... I want my kids to love to learn!

I want my kids to love to explore and try to figure out the answers to their awesome questions themselves

I want my kids to discover how to "think", how to dissect information, how to pull together information they learn and have there own thoughts based on fact.... not sure traditional education actually teaches the model of "kids learning" especially based on their own interests and development.

By the looks of my 2nd graders homework, it's just read and test, read and test.... what does that actually teacher her?

I didn't know how to "learn" in all my years of formal education, through college even

until quite honestly I became a mom!

I didn't know all the things that I am actually genuinely interested in, and my kids have shown me how to learn, how to explore my interests... we do it together!

And well, this kind of knowledge is much more powerful and motivating then - read this, because that's what the state tells us is important for your grade level!

Just not a fan!

I get all the other aspects of what public school offers, and my girls both love it... .

but quite honestly, the way our family lives is what inspires them to continue learning, the fact that last night me and the kids sat and watched a documentary together on Mt. St. Helens.... and they loved it!

That is pretty special, and that makes me proud as their parent.

It's about the moments, not the day to day crap that comes our way so much of our days

That was a great moment, building a volcano with Sarah and Ty was a great moment, Megan and Ty discussing Mt. St. Helen's last night during the documentary- that's a great moment

I live for great moments!

And my dream some day is for my kids to continue their passion for learning and I know that they will do something great with their passions!

And most importantly, show compassion towards others always!

Because reality is our society does not show enough compassion for our fellow humans.... and especially if one "falls outside the traditional model of what our society deems as "acceptable"....

but lucky for my kids, Brian and I do not care and we will continue to support our children in ways that help them as individuals thrive and be happy

No matter what!

And Ty has experienced enough trauma and pain in his short little life

How can we expect him to continue doing things "their way"

The boy is a fighter, he has had to be, I'm not about to take that fighting spirit away- just tame it, help him see how to use his passion and fighting spirit in good ways, and help him learn to better cope with the so many things that have caused him pain and agony

No matter what it takes, how long it takes, I won't, we won't ever give up!

He has so many amazing talents, amazing qualities, amazing gifts

our job is to help filter the world so that he can let them out! And maybe someday, he'll learn how to better filter the world himself

but until then, he's got us!

Inclusion/Mainstreaming..... from Autism Discussion Page- this is my kid!

from Autism Discussion Page: Inclusion/Mainstreaming " In theory it is great. However, it works well only if the right resources are there to support your child. Many school districts implement the model, but know very little about autism, and do not know how to support them, or cannot adequately fund the resources.

I have seen some children blossom in inclusion, and others withdraw and regress. If the child does not feel "safe, accepted, and competent" in the classroom, he may withdraw and shut down, or possibly even meltdown or act out.

If the child doesn't feel safe and accepted, he/she will frequently shut down during class (may even seem fine behaviorally) and then meltdown once he gets home."

Mentally draining, shutdown, overload..... school

from: Autism Discussion Page...........School or Home School? Education is not just an either/or process! "Self contained classrooms for children with special needs or mainstream inclusion? Formal schools or home school? We tend to look at education as an all or nothing decision.

When it comes to full days at school, it is plain that for many children on the spectrum, it is simply too mentally and emotionally draining for their nervous systems to handle.

If you have followed the series on cognitive issues in autism, we discussed how the brains of people on the spectrum have difficulty processing multiple information simultaneously. Essentially this means that 80% of what the neurotypical child processes subconsciously with minimal mental energy, children on the spectrum have to process consciously (think it though), which is mentally draining.

Everything about school, sensory bombardment, task performance demands, and ongoing social/interaction requirements are very overwhelming for many on the spectrum. Their brains often become taxed and overloaded, requiring them to “shutdown” in order to avoid overload. A child cannot learn in shutdown mode!"