Thanksgiving is cancelled. That is how so many are receiving the messages from the health experts on holidays and Covid.
It is undeniable how bad the Covid pandemic is and continues to be rampant in every corner of this nation and everywhere in between.
I hear people complaining that this suggestion to change holiday plans is wrong and they will not change how they spend their holidays, regardless of who they put at risk. This post isn’t about all the people who are going to do what they want regardless of risk to others. This post is to give a perspective that maybe it isn’t as awful as one previously thought.
“Paradise in a Bubble”. That is how I thought of our life so many years ago. When Autism and its difficult struggles grabbed hold of our child, making far too many experiences unbearable and overwhelming, we saw we needed to do things differently. Differently doesn’t mean wrong, bad or anything else negative . It simply meant, we needed to look at the situation through our sons eyes, and use his lens as our guide as to what this different holiday experience should be like.
We tried it the “traditional “ way. But with large families on both sides, it was inescapable to “keep it simple” in order to help our son be able to be included. Most often he would hide, shutdown or simply need to escape. He didn’t enjoy the experience. He was in a state of being completely overwhelmed, his nervous system was on fire, and the assault to his body was traumatic. This is not being over exaggerated. These types of events, gatherings, experiences (no matter who was in attendance) was always an assault on his nervous system. And too often the lengths he had to go to to just exist in these spaces and experiences was simply too much and his behaviors always communicated this.
It wasn’t just Thanksgiving, or Christmas that presented issues. It was birthdays, BBQs in the summer, family or friends gatherings in a casual way. Large numbers of people was too overwhelming no matter how well we thought we prepared him, front loaded calm, or provided regulating tools. It just didn’t matter. We began to understand this about our son. It wasn’t our imagination that at every type of event such as mentioned above, his behaviors increased dramatically, he expressed so much more stress and frustration. These events effected his eating, sleeping, and his every minute of every day until we closed up the “bubble “ to allow him to decompress. This is exactly how we always explained it. It was as clear as this. These events would trigger a huge response in him, that it would take a week or more for him to recover and have a little joy back in his spirit. Until the next “event”. Which during the fall and winter there are so many back to back “special “ days or events, it ultimately just became one really difficult period of time. And difficult is an understatement as he got a little older. It came to a point where we had to decide, are these events, gatherings as special as they are, but at what cost to our son? It became clear the cost was too great and we saw we needed to do things differently. This is what our son needed. This is what our family needed.
So it gets back to beliefs that because of the pandemic and people believing they cannot celebrate the way they always have, therefore the holidays are cancelled. This is simply not true and it is important for our kids to see how this isn’t true. Different, yes. Cancelled and not important this year, absolutely not.
Our family so long ago, made the necessary decision to make our special holidays different in order for our entire family unit to enjoy it. It is like that old saying, “doing the same thing over and over expecting different results is foolish.” We knew things needed to change. Our son didn’t need to change. He is who he is. And when he is well, physically, emotionally, psychologically what a joy to see him experience the world as all children should. His laughter was music, his eyes shined and his jokes were hilarious. This was the boy we knew who was deep inside, and to help him be him, it did take extraordinary lengths to help him feel safe enough to be “himself”. We were not going into deny him these positive self building experiences. Our family unit is only as strong as the sum of our individual selves. When one is not in balance, we are all out of balance. With every child’s needs different, we began to shift our mindset to what we can do that brings joy to all of us, without sacrificing one of us.
Our holidays and our world changed. But different does not mean less. Our family unit celebrates just the same. We make it special. We make it different than other non holidays. It is evident that it is a holiday in our house, even though we don’t go anywhere or have others over.
But we make the day special no less. We made our own traditions that the kids enjoy. Our family enjoys together. Isn’t this what the holidays are all about anyways? Being together, enjoying each other, and this looks different for every family. But for our family, it was kept to “just us”, and we created a special day. Our tradition is watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade; cooking a small turkey (usually just a breast because no one likes the darker meat); baking pies, lots of pies. We make an apple, strawberry and of course pumpkin pie. Always gluten and dairy free in our house. Always delicious. Everyone has their own favorite. And no there is no such thing as too many pies! We make mashed potatoes, green beans, and other things depending on the year and if there were any requests. Sometimes dinner rolls, made fresh, definitely wine and the kids enjoy sparkling cider in “fancy glasses”. I get out my fancy table cloth, my fine china (which was passed to me by my mom when we got married), and tall candles in my lovely fancy candlesticks that otherwise just collect dust the rest of the year. I get fresh flowers and when it is all set, it looks beautiful. It is what makes eating a meal at the same table, all the other days of the week different for just this one day. The kids always say “it looks so fancy”. The day is spent maybe taking a walk as a family. We spend time playing. We are together. That is what it is all about. And doing it this way, allows our son to also enjoy the day. With no sacrifice to his being.
This is how we have been doing holidays for many years now. It is how it is for our family. We make the day special. We do not look outside to others to “make it special”. We enjoy how our family celebrates. It works for our family. Our kids see it as “normal” even when other adults do not. These holidays are what we make them. Our kids have seen that we can make them great, even if we don’t go anywhere or have others over. Our family unit together, healthy and enjoying each moment throughout the day is what they will remember. That we have the power within ourselves to make something special. We do not need external experiences to bring us joy. We find joy from within. Yes, extended family is important and special. But, when the family is so large that nothing is “simple”, it is always many people, loud, busy, a sensory processing nightmare for those that can’t tolerate that type of environment, even if it is family. The nervous system does not care what is creating the assault. It just knows to react out of protection and relational safety because it is TOO MUCH! (By the way, our little Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Having two very introverted parents and even sisters who can tolerate much more, but preference is to “keep things low key” is clearly a family trait!).
If kids hear holidays are cancelled, we can’t do this or that, then sure naturally this is upsetting and disappointing. But if, as parents we frame it differently, if we choose our words to say the holiday may look different, but it is still so special and this is necessary to keep our family safe, to keep our extended family safe, and come up with new special experiences to create a special day, then everyone will be just fine. Our kids hear us and follow us as to how to process everything. If we are okay, they will be okay. My kids are okay, because we are okay. We make it ours. Isn’t that what holidays are about? Special days celebrating in ways that everyone can enjoy safely.
Now for most others, this will probably be a one time change. Just while the pandemic is in full throttle. So just this year, a little different. For us, this is our normal every year for well over a decade. Sometimes it takes something external to make us slow things down, to get out of the race of life (because we know life is not a race, it is one day at a time), and to simply be more present more often. This is our life’s motto, and so we simply enjoy how we celebrate our special days and all the other days as well. It is this collection of moments that lead to joyous memories and experiences that are important for everyone’s well being. Especially our children.
Our perspective is definitely different than most. I get that. Some say they feel sad for us, that our kids are missing out on something others view “ as normal “. But as a parent, your perspective dramatically changes when you have a child that needs something different. And this “different” is our normal, our “new normal” and when our kids see that the world is different for everyone, and that the idea of “normal” is dependent on one persons experiences, wow! I see how this perspective has helped shape our kids to be compassionate, empathetic and incredibly generous human beings.
So if you are concerned that your child will be upset or angry that holidays NEED to look different due to the global pandemic crisis everyone is experiencing, in order to keep yourselves and others healthy and we all have a part in containing this virus, I think kids will be just fine if you, the parents, are fine. We set the tone and how we respond is mirrored by our kids. So far, I think kids have actually adjusted far better than most adults during these last 8 months of pandemic life. We probably could all take some cues from them. It really is about making the best of a situation. Making the best damn lemonade out of the most sour lemons. Sometimes we just don’t have the luxury of doing what we want. Sometimes we are forced into a situation that we may not have actually chosen if given a choice. But in the end, we are so much better for it. It is almost as if our sons autism actually helped shape a better perspective on life and what it means to live joyfully and simply. It is never external things that do this. It only comes from within each of us. It really is about the simple experiences that bring lasting memories of happiness .
We do holidays our way. There is no right or wrong way (except please remember this year with the pandemic, gatherings put far too many at risk; so please do your part this year).
It is just different, and that can be just as special, if you change your mindset!
Holidays are not cancelled. They simply need to be altered using a new perspective but are still as special as before. Just different. How will you make the holidays special this year?
