A bit of inspiration

 Even the experts agree.  Do what is necessary to help support your child, not just during this pandemic time, but all the time.  Even if it isn’t popular.  You are the only one that lives in your shoes.  🙏💜✊

A child’s spark

 

Co-regulation, coercive regulation, power, control, behaviors oh my!

 

This is a great slide by Dr. Lori Desautels, PhD.

Co - regulation  Vs Coercive regulation

The coercive regulation is something I never really thought of before.  But it is so true.  This type of regulation is what is commonly seen in school settings, by many parents (myself included before we knew better) and also by  behaviorists that teach parents and caregivers this approach on how to better handle their child’s behavioral outbursts.  But one big thing about this approach 

IT DOESN’T WORK!

“I need the child to feel the discomfort of their choices “.  This comes from the school of thought of natural consequences.  But this assumes the child is intentional and has complete control over their body and their behaviors and therefore can learn from their choice and mistakes.   

But for most of our kids, when they are having a behavioral reaction, a meltdown, an outburst, or any number of “misbehaviors that can look like being rude, disrespectful , destroying property, self harming,” they are far from being in control.  They have no control which makes their experience so much scarier for them.  So to think that the child will learn or can learn from this scary experience shows how many do not have a complete understanding of the brain science behind behaviors and about kids who struggle.  

The coercive regulation that Dr. Desautels mentions here is where the adult feels a loss of power over the child.  The feeling of losing control and the need to use words and  an angry voice to try and gain the power back from this child who has lost all control over their being.

Why do parents believe they need power over their child?  Or teachers must maintain power and  control over the  students?  This thinking forms some of the problems that get set early in a child’s life.  Kids will “act out” as normal childhood development; and for a child who struggles developmentally, or for any number of causes, this misunderstanding of their behaviors as communication too can be met with shame, blame and punishment; never solving any problems.  This typically causes further issues as the child grows older.  

Children are not property to own or to have power over.  Children mirror what they see and experience.  It is not control by another over their autonomy that “teaches them”.  It is through empathy, compassion, and modeling that children experience  with a trusted, connected person that brings safety and therefore they can learn and thrive.  We don’t simply teach kids to regulate, we model through co regulation and being connected.  Whether this happens more naturally in those first years of life, through the natural bonds and attunement with a loving parent or in a classroom with a calm regulated teacher who sees each child as their own separate being and that as a teacher, they are there to help guide and provide opportunities.  Not demand control over the child.  This creates a hostile environment that can actually traumatize a child.  

This adult who feels they need power over the child , has no awareness of their own self and feelings, and this sense of no control can be scary and bring feelings of loss.  This is a more traditional discipline method and focuses on the child’s behavior and the need to punish or give consequences; rather than focusing on the fact that the behavior is the alarm system for the child and is the signal the child is struggling and needs a trusting adult to provide relational safety and connection at  this moment.   Nothing else.  There is no lesson or punishment this child can learn that would prevent this behavior response.  

The alarm has sounded.  Safety and connection are the only ways to turn the alarm off.  

But for some adults, whether it be the parents, caregivers, or teachers, this concept is tough to grasp.  They want an easy fix, as Dr. Desautels explains.  But there is no easy fix.  It takes a deep understanding of the brain science to know that when a child is observed having a behavior, this alarm signal can only be turned off by an adult through trust and safety and this adult demonstrating calmness and empathy.  

No quick fix, no lessons learned, no power, no control over the child.  Only co regulation.  This brings the adults regulatory practices into play.  The empathy they express and calmness over their own body brings them to the  moment that can be shared by just being present. 

This co regulation between the adult and the child  is the only thing that will turn off the child’s alarm system, brings relational safety that brings awareness to ones own sensations and calms the moment. Discipline or consequences at this point when a child is struggling, is pointless and damaging.

As the adult, all the warning signals were missed that ultimately led to the full alarm sounding.  Once we see the tip of this iceberg, as many experts call it, these observable behaviors are what take over the child and sharing your calm is the only choice at this point.  There were numerous warnings that were simply missed prior to this.   But is this the child’s fault?  Behavior is communication.  Whether we understand and listen is not up to the child.  This is where our power lies.  Power to listen and understand what is trying to be communicated.  

Our children try.  Our children do when they can.  Our children give us power if we listen carefully.  This power to listen is important to grab hold of.  It is their way of asking for help.  They are vulnerable and feel helpless.  If we miss this  opportunity the child is actually presenting to us or we don’t listen, well this is when the alarm bells ring and it is  loud and clear for all to hear.

  So why would we do anything except help this child.  Why would we punish a child, when in reality we didn’t listen?  Why should the child have to suffer any further stress because the adults failed to listen to the warning signals being given off by the child?  

This entire thought of co regulation versus coercive regulation is in fact more about the adult and their sense of control and power over a child.  It is not about the child when the adult feels the need to punish or control the child, sometimes through restraint which takes physical control or by seclusion which takes away a child’s sense of being seen.  

Either of these or other punitive measures against a child do not serve the child.  It serves the adult who feels the need to take power and control away from the child and to somehow make the child suffer as a consequence for “ misbehaving”, which will then teach a lesson, at least  in the traditional discipline methods thought process.

  But as I mentioned before, the last 20-30 years of new research has shown that not only is this outdated theory of discipline wrong, it can very well be traumatizing for many kids which leads to further issues of distrust and feelings of being unsafe.  This only exasperates the struggles and challenges the child is already experiencing and does nothing to support the child, or solve any problems or serve to help an unmet need the child has.   All reasons for a child to use behavior as a form of communication.  

There are no consequences, punishment ideas or harsh measures that will solve the child’s problems or meet his/her needs.  This is why we must change our lenses to see this child as a child who has unmet needs, who has a problem they do not know how to solve, a child who does not feel safe. Only when we change our lenses, do we begin to “listen” to the child and really support them through connection, compassion and empathy. Once a child feels seen, heard and connected, they can  become more regulated and able to move up the brain ladder to ultimately learn and use their thinking brain and they can control their emotions and their body. Children by nature want to do good.  Remembering this is important to their future successes.