Locked in the principals office........my own story

I was given the opportunity to write about my own personal experience.  One for so many years I didn’t understand.  But I wanted to.  It wasn’t until my boy was born that I began to understand myself a little better.  My own experiences growing up with sensory challenges and anxiety since before I could talk.  These sensory challenges and anxiety would wax and wane depending on life and life stresses.  For example, I write about what happened in second grade.  This was very uncharacteristic of me to behave in the way I did.  I explain in this article I wrote for the organization Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint that it was clearly a stress response to so many new things happening in my life that I literally lost the ability to cope.  The stresses exceeded my capacity to maintain some sense of myself.  It was literally all too much.  This is what happens to so many kids that are neurodiverse.  Our brains are wired in a manner that sometimes causes us to be overwhelmed by everyday events.  And sometimes when we are not given time to recuperate, to distress, to process and to regulate, this chronic toxic stress takes our ability to handle a situation to a new level of not handling it.  Therefore, an outburst, a behavior, a freak out; whatever you want to call it.  It is all the same.  My own experience helped me to better understand my son and his challenges. My hey weren’t the same, but I learned to appreciate his lenses that he saw and experienced the world through.  Here is my story.   Click the link and it will direct you to the Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint website and the post is below.

https://endseclusion.org/2020/06/28/reflections-on-my-childhood-locked-in-the-principals-office/

Reflections on my childhood: Locked in the principal’s office

Today’s guest author is Jennifer Abbanat. Jennifer is a wife and mom to three kids ages 18, 16, and 13. Jennifer is an advocate and voice for her neurodiverse children. She and her family live in Northern California.

I have never really stopped to reflect on my own traumatic childhood experiences until just recently. I have memories from my childhood that seemed normal to me for many years, but now I’m seeing it all through a new lens. My parents never understood how their extremely quiet, shy, well behaved, anxious, sensory overwhelmed little girl could behave the way I did. Many years later I am beginning to understand.

There have been so many horrifying stories in the media in recent years about students being restrained at school, being secluded in closets or rooms at school. One story that is very close to my heart is of a boy named Max Benson. He is my dear friend’s son who was killed at school from prolonged restraint. He is my motivation to see that laws and policies change in our schools and our communities to protect our kids. Too many kids have suffered or worse have been killed at the hands of the adults who were supposed to protect them. I often wonder what would have happened to me if I was a child “behaving the way I did in second grade” today, in the year 2020, instead of 40 years ago. There seems to be so little compassion and tolerance for kids who are struggling. They are viewed by the adults as if they are in control and being purposeful in their noncompliance or in their behavior. Knowing what I went through, it saddens me that this barbaric treatment continues to happen every day in schools around this country. Since Max’s death, there have been more stories of kids being secluded, restrained and even killed. This has got to stop. Things must change.

I am at a place today that I can now recall my own story of being secluded and restrained and the impact this experience had on my life. Having my own child who is also easily overwhelmed has helped me to better understand my own childhood. 

I grew up thinking that I was weird, something was wrong with me, I wasn’t “normal “. Like my son, I was just misunderstood.

I think these experiences helped me have even more compassion and empathy for my son’s behaviors and struggles. If I could have behaved that way all those years ago in response to so many changes, it makes sense that my son could struggle with his own challenging behaviors. He was born with severe chronic medical issues that caused him a lot of pain, especially in his first 3 years of life. This was in addition to his developmental delays, which we first noticed through all his sensory challenges that were pretty extreme before his first birthday. This kept us fighting to get answers for him so we could better support him.

I recently saw a video shared on social media that showed a young boy being dragged down a hallway at school, it really impacted me. My own memory of being dragged from my mom’s van, because I refused to get out. This haunts me to this day. Two adults, one taking my arms and one taking my legs, carrying me like a hog from the front of the school to the principal’s office. I had just started 2nd grade. I had just celebrated my 7th birthday. I fought. I screamed. I wiggled. I spit. I was fighting for my life; that is how I remember it. I was panicked and scared. 

I was locked in the principal’s office by myself with an aide standing outside the door telling me to “calm down”.

Sometimes there would be a staff member in the office with me, standing guard at the door so I couldn’t run out. I remember them telling me I would get a red slip if I “didn’t stop”. This was part of a reward/consequence behavior system. Red slips were bad is all I knew. And for a kid who always did as I was told and was a rule follower, that didn’t help. I wasn’t in control of my body. I wasn’t purposely deciding to behave this way. I didn’t understand what was happening. I was terrified; how was I supposed to calm down? For many years after this, I wondered to myself, what happened to me? Why did I behave that way? I didn’t understand any of it. No one did. Until I had my son.

I remember feeling shame and embarrassed; especially as I grew up when people would bring up these incidences and laugh about them. I was the kid who bit, hit, kicked, and spit on the principal and teachers when I started 2nd grade. That was a lot of attention for a kid who would rather melt into the background and disappear.

This all came about after my family moved. I had liked school in kindergarten and first grade, so this didn’t make sense to my parents. I was normally the kid who would hide away when overwhelmed; which was fairly common if you talk to people who knew me. I was the kid that would be described as scared of everything. Scared of loud noises, big trucks, fire trucks, strangers, going somewhere unfamiliar. They just said I was an anxious child. I remember always hiding in my closet to shut out the overwhelming events happening around me. So my reaction, which was fighting and running away was all new. I had never behaved that way before, I was attending a new school. We moved to a new house, a new town, a new everything. There were a lot of new things all at once. Clearly, this was a major stress response that pushed me beyond my capacity to cope with all of this change. So instead of hiding as I usually did, my body fought back. This fight going to school went on for the first two months of that new school year. I think some days, my mom and dad just didn’t want to deal with it so they didn’t even bother to try to send me to school sometimes. But I was still punished and told to stay in my room on those days. I wanted to behave. I just couldn’t help it.

I’m now 47. After having my son who, is diagnosed with autism and has chronic medical issues, is when I started to understand my own childhood experiences. The cycle of seclusion and restraint needs to end. We must develop relationships and express compassion and empathy for those that are struggling. Anything else just causes pain and trauma. 

I’ve finally learned that what happened to me wasn’t normal, and it should never happen to any child. However, we know all too well how common seclusion and restraint are used in our schools.

This past year, I started a local parent support group. Parents and families benefit from being able to share their experiences and struggles and feel connected to other parents who understand. Parents are a valuable resource for each other and now that I have older kids and my family is not living in crisis mode on a daily basis, I try to provide helpful information, be a resource guide, and create an opportunity for others to connect. I believe our children can be successful. I’ve seen my son make gains that nobody thought he was capable of. He now experiences joy and expresses happiness.

I believe parents are their kid’s best advocates. Unless and until our kids are shown compassion, patience, and feel connected to those around them, many will continue to struggle and be misunderstood. It is time to end seclusion and restraint.

This was a moment I never want to re live......but yet it saved our boy

This was a FB memory that popped up a few days ago.  I saved it.  I wasn’t ready to re live that moment that I wrote about.  It was one of the worst moments we experienced with our boy.  It was I’m sure  one of the scariest moments for our boy.  So many factors intersected at that moment that created this event.
But it leads me to today. I can’t go back and fix that moment.  Although I wish I could.  It was the beginning of several  more difficult moments that resulted in the scariest summer that just wouldn’t stop spiraling out of control.  But it was also the summer where we decided we had to take control and do whatever was necessary to literally save our boy.  And this is when we turned to cannabis for him.

Here is the post from that moment in June 2015.

I was hoping to be posting how excited I was that Ty was participating in a basketball camp this week...... he did it last summer (a DIFFERENT camp)- but he was excited as he LOVES basketball!
Unfortunately, it was just too much for him - it was only 2 hour camp- but there was loud music during warm ups, so many kids, lots of "cheer" type team yelling and well......... his body just couldn't tolerate that environment- even to play basketball!   He didn't even make it into the car before melting down.... he attempted to jump out of the car when I tried to drive home- Brian had to come help me as I sat parked on Oak St- with a raging boy....   and then he kicked our windshield in the middle of his rage- and broke the windshield- yep it was simply TOO MUCH for him....... yesterday was so hard- I hated seeing what was happening to my boy- haven't seen that in quite a while- this was a bad meltdown-     These are the days that I hate Autism..... my boy just wanted to play basketball like other kids- it was only a 2 hour camp-   but to say it sent him into absolute sensory overload is an understatement........   back to our bubble for a while to help him "calm" his being    -


Cannabis was the necessary medicine to help heal our boy.  Cannabis helped our boy be the little boy that he never got to be.  Like everything else it was a process.  It was hard work.  It required patience and time.  It required a lot of observation and note taking.  It required a lot of reading and learning. It required love and compassion.  It required laws that allowed us to have safe access to good quality whole plant cannabis.  Not just one component of the plant.  The entire plant.

 Cannabis contains over 500 distinct compounds.  These are called cannabinoids, terpenoids, flavonoids, and omega fatty acids. (“Learn About Cannabis”, UCLA Health; Cannabis Research Initiative).  CBD, THC, CBDa, THCa, CBG, CBN are just a few of the cannabinoids that are unique to cannabis that have been shown to have medical benefits.  Research has identified over 100 cannabinoids.  More research is still needed to see if they offer any health benefits.  As reference, we give our son microdose (.05ml) of indica THC.  This is what has allowed him to function as all children deserve.  This has allowed him to express joy, to smile and be happy, to laugh, to be in a calm enough state that allows him to breathe and be present.  What a gift this is to see in him!

If our experience leading up to the summer of 2015 was any indication that our boy was desperately communicating through his struggles, his challenges, his behaviors that he NEEDED help in a way we had never seen before, I cannot even comprehend what life would be like for him if we didn’t act on his cries for help.

 Our  boy just turned 16.  He will be starting the 10th grade in the fall.  He is managing the best he can under these pandemic circumstances.  He misses basketball.  But he has accepted that right now, there can be no basketball team.  Something out of his control, but yet he is able to maintain his control. This is what cannabis has done for our boy.  Everyone should have access to try it.  It is a medicine.  How many more lives could be saved if more people were able to have safe access to cannabis?

My boy is 16!,,

Just re posting this birthday post from 6 years ago.  When our boy turned 10!  This number at one point scared the hell out of me as what things would be like as our sweet but struggling boy grew up.  Well today he is 16!
This post says it all!  And is why he is our super hero and we are his biggest fans!

“Happy 10th Birthday to our Ty!

Ten years ago our lives forever changed by the beautiful gift of our only son.  At that time we had no idea what was in store for his life, the struggles he would endure, the medical problems, the developmental delays.
 But he truly is a gift- as he has taught US so much more than I ever knew about myself.  Because of him we are stronger than we ever thought possible.  His journey is an amazing lesson in life and has taught us to treasure each and every moment- and to truly appreciate the littlest of things- things that are usually overlooked or under appreciated.   He has brought a whole new meaning to the phrase "stop and smell the roses".......
He has his dog Gretchen now and she will continue to help us better help him so that he can experience more happiness and joy in his life.... he has taught us that sometimes things aren't so traditional, and that doesn't mean less, it's just a different way to experience life.  He is so passionate about what brings him joy- animals, dogs, basketball, all sports, science.... and loves to share his knowledge!
He has so many wonderful things to share with the world, and we will continue to help him express it and grow so that others can experience the wonderful joy he truly is.

 He really is a gift from God and we are so blessed to be his parents along this journey of life with him.  Happiest  10th birthday to our little boy-    life will continue to get better!   We promise!”

I do not give my consent for” seclusion and restraint”

Do you have a "no consent for seclusion or restraint letter" on file with your childs school ?

Do you think it can never happen to your child?  Your childs school is really helpful and understanding and would never do this?

Think again.  In the heat of a moment, in the middle of a meltdown  or another behavior ,  stress response it happens!  Even here in Davis!  It happens everywhere.

Unfortunately most teachers and staff are not properly trained to work with situations like this and more importantly are not properly trained to be proactive and understand all the ways to work with our kids that supports them,  and can recognize all the subtleties of dysregulation to be proactive and connect, co regulate before the bigger stress response/behavior gets to this point.   It can be done.
We need to protect our children from unsafe practices.

Excellent article and a must read !  It is too important for our kids safety and well being.

https://www.inclusionevolution.com/child-needs-no-consent-letter-restraint-seclusion/

This is a comment from another parent regarding this article:
         I can't believe this is happening in schools.  The woman at the desk didn't bat an eye.  This must be the norm at that school????????

This is my response to her comment:
              People see the child as the problem.  So of course the adults must react this way, ugh according to this thinking.  It is the child's issue.   If they just listened,  if they just did what they were told to do, if they just would have stopped when I told them to.  This is what happens everyday in our classrooms and schools.
These instances are just ones caught on camera.  It is sad.  And is causing so much damage to our already fragile children.   Our schools need to be trained and educated in proactive solutions and training of how to properly support our kids.  I know so many teachers who feel ill equipped to properly educate and work with most of our special needs kids.  They were trained for general ed and have no idea how to support the many kids in our gen ed classrooms that have some form of a disability that impacts their learning and   education. The paras supporting our kids in a 1 to 1 or 2 to 1 situation are also not trained in how to work with our kids.   This sets our kids up for failure from the beginning.  So when our kids are expected to do something or to follow a direction that they may not understand,  or their nervous system is already on high alert due to the full class environment,  the lights, the sounds, the smells, etc....so they r one demand away from a meltdown or behavior,  boom.
But yet the teacher has 29 other students to focus on.  How is it possible??  I do not fault teachers at all.  The system is flawed from the beginning and not set up to properly support and educate many of our kids.   We have to change this.